Give facts, not rumors. If you don't know the answers, be truthful.
Simply say, "We don't know all the facts yet. Here is what we do know."
This is not a time to play the know-it-all-parent.
2. Assure your child he is safe
A child wants to know, "Will my house be bombed?"
Children tend to personalize events that happen on the world stage.
Explain how you've always been there to care for your child and how he has
always been safe.
Confirm that you will help him stay safe in the future.
3. Continue routines
Much of a child's sense of safety and security comes from daily rituals.
Kids need to eat lunch at the normal time. They need their usual afternoon
nap.
Even though we might be emotionally frazzled and physically want to stay
glued to the TV, keep life moving. That communicates the message, "Yes,
something terrible happened a long way from here. But you still need to put
your toys away."
Government officials and medical personnel are focused on the aftermath;
your focus is your child.
4. Respect your child's timeline and interest in the event
Your child might not want to talk about the event today; however, she might
raise questions next week.
This is the time to apply your long-term, in-depth knowledge of your child.
Look carefully at her nonverbal clues; listen intently to what she says.
Follow her lead. If your child asks, "What happened to that building?," she
might just want to know, "An airplane hit the building." She might not need
a five-minute explanation of the specific events of the day.
5. Help your child make sense of this horrible experience
This is not the time to plunk down a child alone in front of a TV and let
her zone out.
Co-view selected news programs with your child. Then turn off the
television.
Look for something your child can learn, even in the middle of a tragedy.
Use the same approach you use every day when you hear a siren zipping down
the street. At that point, you say, "Someone needs help. The siren means
help is on the way. Let's pray for the people who need help and those who
will give help."
You can apply this same concept to larger-scale disasters.
6. Encourage your older child to take action
Older children, beginning about the age of 8 or 9, often want to do
something to help. They aren't old enough to donate blood; they can't
volunteer at agencies. However, they can attend a memorial or prayer
service. They can donate money.
And, of course, even younger children can join you in prayer. Speaking to
God can be very comforting and allows a child to put his faith into action.
7. Coordinate efforts with your child's school
Find out what the school is doing. Most schools will schedule counselors to
talk with students. Afterward, ask your child, "What did the counselor say
today that made sense to you? How did you feel after she talked to your
class?"
Throughout the coming days and weeks, stay alert to additional opportunities
to discuss your child's feelings about what happened.
Suggestions for talking with students about this tragedy
Parents, teachers, and other adults may not be sure how to discuss the
tragedy with youth. Many of the ideas are parallel to suggestions for
younger children. However, more youth will be able to think abstractly and,
depending on their age, may know Seniors in their High School who have had
to register for the selective service as routine procedure. This link lists
a few basic points adapted from Jim Watkins' The Why Files: Is there Really
Life after Death?
These five steps are helpful for conversations with adolescents in times of
tragedy:
Preparing No one was really prepared for the tragedy, but taking a few
minutes to organize your thoughts before the conversation, even making notes
on paper, may be helpful. What topics do you want to be sure and address.
What will you say about God, hope, and love and forgiveness in Jesus Christ?
Write out a Bible passage or two (but not a sermon or lecture), and a
prayer. Some passages might come from one of the other resources on this
site, especially the Meditation Guide for the National day of Prayer.
Talking By now, the initial shock of the event is past, so there may be no
need to "ease into" the conversation. However, some of the topics that arise
may still be sensitive. Be frank, honest, expressing your own feelings and
vulnerabilities. Make sure you arrange for time to talk about the tragedy.
Listening One of the most important things to do in a time of crisis is to
listen . . . even if it is to the silence. Jim Watkins reminds us that one
of the most desperate needs of teens is to be accepted, not judged or
ignored. Adults cannot fix this situation, but can listen to their kids.
Grieving Watkins reminds us that "in the past, people were told not to cry
out loud at funerals. Mourners were urged to dry their eyes, be brave, be
strong, and not express grief. Tranquilizers were used to keep emotions
under control. Today medical and psychological studies have revealed the
importance of 'good grief.'" Even though the tragedy may be hundreds or
thousands of miles away, there may be times of grief for our youth. Allow
tears, silence, and uncertainty. Use comfort responses . . . listen to
familiar and nostalgic music, look at old family pictures, and make sure
kids continue to get regular food and exercise.
Being There Watkins reminds us that "often just 'being there'--without
answers and cliches--is valuable support. It is always important to spend
time with our children and young people, but it's absolutely essential to
spend special time with them following a death. . . . Keep in mind that the
mourning process can take up to five or more years to work through. Assure
your young person that grief is a very normal emotion and is shared by every
other person who has lost a loved one."
(c) 2001 Concordia Publishing House
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