"Hi, I'm Howie Mandel and welcome to a special edition of Deal or No Deal for church leaders that we're calling Steal or No Steal. Tonight, board members can trade in their current small-time pastor for a big-time mega-church pastor. Now, let's bring out our lovely ladies. [Dramatic music as lovely ladies march onto stage with cases in hand.]

"Our first contestant is the head of the church board from a small church in Swamp Gas, Louisiana. Welcome, Chuck Roste. Tell a little about yourself."

"Well, I'm chairman of the board of a church of fifteen people with the median age of 65."

"So, trading your current pastor for a new, dynamic pastor would really help out the church."

"Definitely."

"Okay, Chuck, so here's how we play this special edition. On the board are twenty potential pastors ranging all the way from, Buck Horne, a 65-year-old pastor of a fifty-member church in Moose Breath, Wyoming, to none other than Joel Osteen, the young, dynamic pastor of Lakewood Church, the largest church in North America with 25,000 in attendance each Sunday. And those same potential pastors' names are in each of the cases our lovely ladies are holding. Select one case, which will be yours, and then we'll begin opening the cases to find out who you didn't select. Periodically, our mysterious District Superintendent will phone in to offer to buy your case because he really wants a mega-church pastor in his district. So, pick a case."

"Ah, let's try 13, Howie."

"That's the lovely Lisa. Lisa, [dramatic pause] open the case."

PETE MOSS, PASTOR OF HOLY SMOKE ASSEMBLY OF GOD, ATTENDANCE 145.

"Yes, Howie!"

"That's right, Chuck, you still have Joel Osteen on the board, along with Creflo Dollar from College Park with over 23,000 in attendance, Chuck Smith whose Calvary Chapel attracts 20,000, T.D. Jakes with over 18,000 at the Potter's House, and Willow Creek's Bill Hybels with 17,000 in attendance. Pick another case."

"Let's try 4."

"That's the lovely Buffy. Buffy, [dramatic pause] open the case."

RICK WARREN, PASTOR OF SADDLEBACK CHURCH, ATTENDANCE 15,000

"Ouch, Howie!"

"That's okay, the top five pastors are still in play." [sound of phone] "That's the D.S. with an offer." [serious look] "Okay, I'll tell him. Well, Chuck, you've knocked out Rick Warren, but the D.S. is willing to offer you Robert Schuller whose Crystal Cathedral attracts 4,000 people each Sunday. So, Chuck, [another dramatic pause] ‘Steal or no steal?'"

[Audience screams "No steal!"]

"Four thousand?! That's an insulting offer, Howie. You tell the D.S., ‘No steal.'"

[Audience cheers]

"Okay, let's open some more cases."

"I'll take 20, Howie."

"That's the lovely Stephanie. Stephanie, [dramatic pause] open the case."

RUSTY NALE, PASTOR OF FIRST NON-DENOMINATIONAL INDEPENDENT COMMUNITY FAMILY CENTER, ATTENDANCE 300

"Yes!"

As game progresses, Chuck knocks out Creflo Dollar, Chuck Smith and Bill Hybels, but also knocks out more unknown pastors of churches less than 1,000 in attendance. The phone rings. Howie solemnly picks up the phone. "Yes, I know. Okay, I'll tell him. Well, Chuck you've knocked out all of the big names except Joel Osteen. There's a one in two chance that Joel Osteen is in your case, so the D.S. is getting really nervous. He's offering you Betty Peebles whose Jericho City of God regularly has 10,000 in attendance. Ten-thousand is a good offer, Chuck."

[Audience screams "No steal!"]

"No steal, Howie!"

[Audience cheers]

"Okay, Chuck, you're down to two cases. The one you selected and the one the lovely Bambi is holding. You've turned down 10,000, so let's see what is in the case Bambi is holding . . . right after this commercial.

[Commercial]

"We're back. Does Chuck's case contain the name of Joel Osteen or his current pastor? Bambi, [excruciatingly long pause] open the case.

JOEL OLSTEEN, LAKEWOOD CHURCH, ATTENDANCE 25,000

[Audience groans]

"So, Chuck, your case contained your current pastor. What a tough break!"

[Chuck's beeper sounds] "Ah, he just resigned to join Charles Stanley's staff."

[Audience groans] "Sorry, Chuck. We're out of time. Join us next week for our special TV evangelist edition, ‘Heal or No Heal?' Goodnight."

Copyright © James N. Watkins