If you listen to conservative Christian radio for very long, you get the strong impression that the election of John Kerry will bring about those four horsemen from the Book of Revelation: world conquest, war, economic ruin and death of one-fourth the world's population. And, for good measure, throw in those "seals” and "trumpets” foretelling hell fire and brimstone falling from the sky, seas turning to blood, stars going out like a burned out light bulbs and the return of disco!

George W. Bush, however, is portrayed as the savior (often with a capital ‘S') of all that is good and right, holy and just. And a God-fearing, born again, Bible-believing Christian who doesn't vote for the president can't possible be a God-fearing, born again, Bible-believing Christian.

While I fall under the demographic voter profile of "conservative Christian,” my concept of God's sovereignty is just a bit bigger than the U.S. election. Here are some things to think about:

1. Christianity often grows the fastest under the most un-Christian leaders and governments.

Tertullian, an early church leader wrote "The blood of the martyrs is the seed of the Church." Much of that blood was spilled by Roman emperor Nero who took the throne October AD 54.

Various historians have accused him of incest with his mother and brother, homo- and heterosexual rape, the murder of his mother, sister, wife (to marry his mistress) and that mistress. He was so hated by his subjects that he is suspected of setting Rome on fire and blaming it on the Christians to take the heat off of him.

His nightly torture of Christians included burning believers for lighting in his garden and sewing his victims into the skins of wild animals to be attacked by dogs. The Apostle Peter was probably one of his victims dying of crucifixion.

However, during this time, Christianity grew and spread all across the Roman Empire!

In modern times, China has become one of the most brutal persecutors of Christians, imprisoning and torturing thousand of believers. But according to David Aikman's book, Jesus in Beijing, the Christian underground has won over even key members of the Chinese Communist Party. China has more than 15 million Christians in government-sanctioned churches but as many as 80 million in unregistered congregations. According to Aikman, "Christianity is growing so fast that by 2050 or even earlier, China could be one of the largest Christian nations in the world.”

So, if Christianity can thrive under those kinds of leaders and governments, I think God can work His will no matter who is elected November 2 (or January 6).

2. Christ never addressed political issues.

During the lifetime of Jesus, the entire civilized world, with the exception of the little-known kingdoms in the Far East, was under the rule of the Roman Empire. Military conquests provided an abundant supply of skilled, well-educated slaves, forcing middle-class workers and merchants out of work. (It's estimated that half the Roman population were slaves.) Burdensome regulations and taxation made manufacturing and trade unprofitable.

Worse than slaves--who at least received food and shelter--were the "plebs” or the very poor. Children were seen as a needless burden so abortion and "exposure” (infanticide) were common. Children were sold into slavery and women were viewed as "chattel” or property.

Homosexuality and bestiality were openly practiced. Underage boys and young men called "catamites” were kept as prostitutes by older men.

And yet Jesus never addresses--at least in the written Gospels--homosexuality, slavery, lack of public education or abortion only saying, "Render unto Caesar that which is Caesar's.”

Jesus did address proper care for the poor, the respect for all people and love for one's enemies, but he never attacked the Rome government and its policies--or even the liberal media.

3. God's work will be accomplished no matter who is in Washington.

Perhaps the Apostle Paul, who was beheaded during the Nero persecution, sums it up best:

"I urge you, first of all, to pray for all people. As you make your requests, plead for God's mercy upon them, and give thanks. Pray this way for kings and all others who are in authority, so that we can live in peace and quietness, in godliness and dignity"

While all people of faith--not just conservative Christians--have the right to elect those officials who uphold their tenets of beliefs and an obligation to do their part to remedy social and moral ills, there's no need to panic! Christianity has survived--and thrived--in much worse conditions.

(c) 2004 James N. Watkins

Note

The story of Daniel is a profound testament to God's sovereignty and provision in the face of a furnace—God delivers his friends unharmed—lion's den, mysterious dreams, and maniacal rulers. And as I reread Second Choice, I see that Thomas underscores this same perspective: "Going through our second-choice world well depends on understanding who is in charge of the process and who has allowed us to be there in the first place. It is very difficult to deal with second-choice worlds if we feel we arrived there by the fling of some cosmic dice or by the whim of some powerful person…. As we live in our second-choice world, the knowledge that whatever or whoever has been the cause of our entering it does not possess the final authority over us, is transformational. Sickness does not rule: God does. My boss does not rule: God does."

Thomas continues, "Second-choice worlds unzip us, but if we let them do so they unzip us before God. We remain wounded, tender and in need: just the sort of people who are ready to witness to God's grace in dens of lions, Daniel types who endure and live boldly whatever happens.”

Comments

(I always include the negative as well as positive, but amazingly this column hasn't ignited a single flaming email.)

Brennan Manning sums it up well: "Uncritical acceptance of any party line is an idolatrous abdication of one's core identity as Abba's child. Neither liberal fairy dust nor conservative hardball addresses human dignity, which is most often dressed in rags. Abba's children find a third option. They are guided by God's Word and by it alone. All religious and political systems, Right and Left alike, are the work of human beings. Abba's children will not sell their birthright for any mess of pottage, conservative or liberal. They hold fast to their freedom in Christ to live the Gospel----uncontaminated by the cultural dreck, political flotsam, and the filigreed hypocrisies of bullying religion" (Abba's Child).

This is one of the most intelligent pieces I've read on politics--written by a Christian--in a very long time. Last week at my Bible study some of the ladies were saying in all seriousness that the events listed in Revelation would surely come to pass if Kerry were elected President. (!) Thanks for this thoughtful reminder that God sits on His throne in heaven no matter who is sitting in the White House. Sincerely, Luann

Thanks for your word about the elections and "God's term." I agree. I tell my "if you are a true Christian you have to be a Republican" friends that I knew Jesus before he was a Republican. RCPalms@aol.com

I just received your E-mail containing your very humorous outlook on the election. I agree with the fact that Christians go a bit too far in portraying GWB as Savior of the nation and maybe the world. Perhaps we have been brainwashed. In fact its pretty funny. Enjoyed reading it. Happytrailsn2001@aol.com

Whew! Finally someone who thinks like I do! What a breath of fresh air when we're being smothered by dire warnings of political agendas from both sides of the fence. Thank you for including "DESPITE WHO IS ELECTED NOVEMBER 2, GOD'S TERM IS NOT UP" in your most recent SPAM OF THE MONTH CLUB. I, for one, needed to read that! Blessings pkrains@cei.net

You and me are duplication! ;-) I linked your sky-is-falling-God-has-lost-control column to the end of my column. Keith@keithdrury.com

Wow! A LOT of people agree with you on this one! Here's a very similar column from The Daily Republic. rabid_riter@hotmail.com

Bravo on your article: God's term is not up. What a breath of fresh air! Some perspective in this season of insanity is great. Thanks, scbaldwin@juno.com



June 2004
'The Gipper' and his God

President Ronald Reagan speaking at an Ecumenical Prayer Breakfast in Dallas, Texas on August 23, 1984:

These past few weeks it seems that we've all been hearing a lot of talk about religion and its role in politics, religion and its place in the political life of the Nation. And I think it's appropriate today, at a prayer breakfast for 17,000 citizens in the State of Texas during a great political convention, that this issue be addressed.

I don't speak as a theologian or a scholar, only as one who's lived a little more than his threescore ten -- which has been a source of annoyance to some -- [laughter] -- and as one who has been active in the political life of the Nation for roughly four decades and now who's served the past three and a half years in our highest office. I speak, I think I can say, as one who has seen much, who has loved his country, and who's seen it change in many ways.

I believe that faith and religion play a critical role in the political life of our nation -- and always has -- and that the church -- and by that I mean all churches, all denominations -- has had a strong influence on the state. And this has worked to our benefit as a nation.

Those who created our country -- the Founding Fathers and Mothers -- understood that there is a divine order which transcends the human order. They saw the state, in fact, as a form of moral order and felt that the bedrock of moral order is religion.

The Mayflower Compact began with the words, ``In the name of God, amen.'' The Declaration of Independence appeals to ``Nature's God'' and the ``Creator'' and ``the Supreme Judge of the world.'' Congress was given a chaplain, and the oaths of office are oaths before God.

James Madison in the Federalist Papers admitted that in the creation of our Republic he perceived the hand of the Almighty. John Jay, the first Chief Justice of the Supreme Court, warned that we must never forget the God from whom our blessings flowed.

George Washington referred to religion's profound and unsurpassed place in the heart of our nation quite directly in his Farewell Address in 1796. Seven years earlier, France had erected a government that was intended to be purely secular. This new government would be grounded on reason rather than the law of God. By 1796 the French Revolution had known the Reign of Terror.

I believe that George Washington knew the City of Man cannot survive without the City of God, that the Visible City will perish without the Invisible City.

Religion played not only a strong role in our national life; it played a positive role. The abolitionist movement was at heart a moral and religious movement; so was the modern civil rights struggle. And throughout this time, the state was tolerant of religious belief, expression, and practice. Society, too, was tolerant.

But in the 1960's this began to change. We began to make great steps toward secularizing our nation and removing religion from its honored place.

And the frustrating thing for the great majority of Americans who support and understand the special importance of religion in the national life -- the frustrating thing is that those who are attacking religion claim they are doing it in the name of tolerance, freedom, and open-mindedness. Question: Isn't the real truth that they are intolerant of religion? [Applause] They refuse to tolerate its importance in our lives.

The truth is, politics and morality are inseparable. And as morality's foundation is religion, religion and politics are necessarily related. We need religion as a guide. We need it because we are imperfect, and our government needs the church, because only those humble enough to admit they're sinners can bring to democracy the tolerance it requires in order to survive.

I submit to you that the tolerant society is open to and encouraging of all religions. And this does not weaken us; it strengthens us, it makes us strong. You know, if we look back through history to all those great civilizations, those great nations that rose up to even world dominance and then deteriorated, declined, and fell, we find they all had one thing in common. One of the significant forerunners of their fall was their turning away from their God or gods.

Without God, there is no virtue, because there's no prompting of the conscience. Without God, we're mired in the material, that flat world that tells us only what the senses perceive. Without God, there is a coarsening of the society. And without God, democracy will not and cannot long endure. If we ever forget that we're one nation under God, then we will be a nation gone under.

+ + +

Amen, Mr. President.

James N. Watkins

Related site: CBN.com and CrossWalk.com have articles on President Reagan's faith



April 2004
'Hellboy' and spiritual vaccum

The Passion of the Christ" defeated "Hellboy" Easter weekend to regain the title of the number one movie.* Jesus kicked the demonic superhero's pointed tail $17.1 million to $11.1 million!

Since it's debut Ash Wednesday, Mel Gibson's passionate film on the crucifixion of Christ has ruled the box office three out of six weeks. It was temporarily dethroned by three films: "Dawn of the Dead" ("When There's No More Room In Hell, The Dead Will Walk the Earth"), "Scooby-Doo: Monsters Unleashed," and "Hellboy" ("Born in the flames of hell . . . a champion of good, battling the evil forces that threaten our world.")

But it's been resurrected in the ratings and has now earned 354.8 million. That places it currently at number eight in all-time sales, between "Lord of the Rings: The Two Towers" and "Jurassic Park." "Titanic" is still the all-time number one with over 600 million in the U.S., 1.8 billion worldwide. **

In another heaven vs. hell epic, Jerry Jenkins and Tim LaHaye's Left Behind twelve-book series has sold over 40 million copies. The series chronicles the struggles of those left behind when all Christians suddenly vanish from earth. This ushers in natural and supernatural disasters, the anti-Christ's reign, the final battle of Armageddon, Christ's return, and eleven more books.

The final book, The Glorious Appearing, ascended to number one on the New York Times best-seller list just one week after its release. (Well, it's not really "final," since a prequel and sequel are planned for the book that started out as a seven-book series—before sales reached the heavens.) There are also over 30 Left Behind: The Kids titles, targeted at 10-14 year-olds, with sales of more than 10 million.

Sharing the current top ten list are two fiction books with spiritual themes. Dan Brown's The Da Vinci Code is number two on the New York Times list. It imagines that Jesus had a child with Mary Magdalene (covered up by the church, of course). His Angels & Demons, at number seven, is a nail-biter with terrorists threatening to blow up Vatican City.

Meanwhile, Rick Warren's The Purpose-Driven Life, also reached number one on the New York Times best-seller list. The 40-day guide to discovering "What on Earth Am I Here For?" has sold selling nearly 15 million copies since 2002. An additional four million were sold directly to churches that have used it in preaching series.

And then there's CBS TV's "Joan of Arcadia." Joan Gerardi (Amber Tamblyn) is discovering her purpose in life as God appears to the high school student in a variety of human forms. God's assignments emphasize St. Paul's claim that ". . . in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose." It's Friday night time slot probably explains how it can win its time period each week but not be in the top ten shows. It has won, however, this years "People Choice Award" for "Favorite New Television Dramatic Series."

The movies, books, and TV series are examples of the heavenly success of spiritually-oriented themes and extremes (everything from Jesus as Lord to Jesus as lover). But why the huge interest—and investments—in spirituality, particularly Christianity?

David Myers is the author of The American Paradox: Spiritual Hunger in an Age of Plenty. He believes, "We now have, as average Americans, doubled real incomes and double what money buys. We have espresso coffee, the World Wide Web, sport utility vehicles, and caller ID. And we have less happiness, more depression, more fragile relationships, less communal contentment, less vocational security, more crime (even after the recent decline), and more demoralized children."

Archbishop Sean P. O'Malley recently told the Boston Globe, "We have only to look at the New Age bookshelves and psychic hotlines and television stations to see that there is a hunger for God and for spirituality among our people."

Rick Warren agrees. He told USA TODAY, "I think there is a natural hunger for God in everyone everywhere. Instinctively we know that we had to have been created for more than just living for ourselves. There is a God-shaped vacuum in all of us. I think we are on the verge of a New Great Awakening spiritually in America."

That may explain the passion of the purpose-driven spiritual hunger in these last days. Like nature, humans abhor a vacuum. Producers and publishers, however, love them!

(c) 2004 James N. Watkins

* "The Passion of the Christ" dropped to number 10 the weekend of April 16-18, but will improve its overall sales ranking with now $360,761,619 earned domestically plus $162,539,249 overseas. I doubt flicks 1 through 9 will make that kind of money!

** For the latest ranking, go to movieweb.com



September 2003
The Ten Commandments

Last week a 5,280-pound granite marker which included The Ten Commandments was removed from the rotunda of the Alabama Judicial Building--but not before protestors, well, protested.

Alabama Chief Justice Roy Moore, who installed the monument two years ago, said he was "profoundly disappointed" with the action. "It is a sad day in our country when the moral foundation of our law and the acknowledgement of God have to be hidden from public view to appease a federal judge," Moore said.

Moore had refused to comply with a federal judge's order to remove the monument, so eight associate justices voted to have Moore suspended.

While I have no doubt in the sincerity and good intentions of Moore and the protestors, I'm not sure two tons of granite will make a dent on the morality of the United States. Having those who believe in God actually obey God's top ten would probably make a much greater impact. Here are the rules and the results from various Barna Research, Ltd. studies:

1. Thou shalt have no other gods before me.

Desiring to have a close, personal relationship with God ranks sixth among the 21 life goals tested among "born-again” believers, trailing such desires as "living a comfortable lifestyle."

2. Thou shalt not make unto thee any graven image

As the Ten Commandment monument was being removed, one of the protestors yelled, "Get your hands off our God, God haters!" A block of rock is our God?! I hope it was just something dumb blurted out without thinking, but it did make a damning sound byte!

3. Thou shalt not take the name of the LORD thy God in vain

4. Remember the sabbath day, to keep it holy

Less than half of those who consider themselves Catholic and Protestant attend church in a typical week (49 percent and 47 percent respectively).

A 1997 American Bible Society study reported that only 16 percent of regular churchgoers read something from the Bible every day. Another 10 percent claimed to read several times a week. But three-fourths rarely read the Good Book. Yep, 42 percent read less frequently but at least once a year while the remaining 32 percent hadn't read it outside of church services during the last year.

5. Honour thy father and thy mother

6. Thou shalt not kill

While over 90 percent of conservative Christians oppose abortion, an Ellison Research documented that 88 percent of pastors from churches belonging to the National Association of Evangelicals support the death penalty.

7. Thou shalt not commit adultery

Recent statistics have revealed that 50 percent of partners in marriage have committed adultery. Thirty-seven percent of pastors have done the same.

On a somewhat related topic, born again church members are more likely to get divorced than non-church members! Some 25 percent of all adults have been divorced, but 29 percent of Baptists and 34 percent of non-denominational church members have divorced. Mainline churches had a similar rate to the general public. Only Catholics and Lutherans were below the national average with 21 percent each.

8. Thou shalt not steal

Don't get me going on fraudulent TV evangelists bilking their followers out of millions of dollars?!

9. Thou shalt not bear false witness against thy neighbour

Nearly one-fourth (24 percent) of the "born again” population believe that lying is sometimes necessary

10. Thou shalt not covet

Protestants are 50 percent more likely than Catholics to say they are "in debt” (40 percent to 26 percent, respectively) The total number of adults in the general population who say they are in debt is 37 percent. Not a lot of difference between believers and unbelievers.

Nearly one out of five (19 percent) Christians and non-Christians (20 percent) believe "you can usually tell how successful a person is by examining what they own.”

Most surprising, in 2002 Barna reported that only 6 percent of born again adults gave their church a "tithe” or 10 percent of their income.

It appears that many who subscribe to the Ten Commandments have let their subscription expire! Better than a granite monument would be those who profess to follow God to actually follow God's "Top Ten.”

© James N. Watkins

Comments

By some coincidence, a church I sometimes visit was teaching from the 6th chapter of Daniel last Sunday. (If you believe in coincidence). I note however that Daniel did NOT "openly and defiantly" disobey the King's command. He quietly and privately disobeyed the king's order, keeping his conscience but not making a spectacle of it. The reason it became a legal issue is that Daniel's enemies invaded his privacy, spied on him, and reported to the king what he was doing. Daniel respected King Darius. He was saddened that his conscience required him to disobey the command. Daniel recognized that Darius was a pretty good king, as kings went -- partly because he had enough sense to turn things over to Daniel to run.

Judge Roy Moore had every right to pray privately to his God. And, since we have a constitutional right to privacy, as well as to the free exercise of our religion, no power in the land would or could have interfered. It was his impulsive desire to show off that got him in trouble. He has an uncontrollable complusion to pray in public, like the pharisees, where he can be seen of men, rather than pray quietly in his own room, as Jesus admonished us to do.

I would have asked Roy Moore why he defiled something so sacred as the Ten Commandments by dragging it into the halls of government. Political offices are falliable, profane, human institutions. I'm not worried that they might get an infusion of divine inspiration sometimes. I'm worried that people might credit a government agency with being an agent of divine inspiration, which it is not. There are good reasons NOT to render unto Caesar what belongs to God: those who work for Caesar might let it go to their head, and get the false notion that they are agents of God, which they are not. Not in the capacity of government employment.

Charlie jsiarlys@juno.com (September 2003)

Thanks for your tome on the ten commandments. Well done. I have to laugh. Most CHURCHES do not have the ten commandments posted. Most Christians can't say them from memory. Of those who can, many don't observe them. I know I don't always. But let's by all means make sure a block of granite is erected on state property so we can say to all the "brown people and their religions" that America belongs to Jews and Christians. (Mostly Christians.)

Only thing in your great essay I disagree with is the notion that Moore is probably sincere and well-intended. I have no doubt in my mind that he is evil. Not sure that he's very dangerous. But no doubt he's evil, IMO. In any regard Jim, keep up the great work! I am proud of you!!

Your brother, Jim S . JSojourner@aol.com (September 2003)

I just wanted to offer an opposing view to your comments. As someone who took the time to travel to Montgomery and heard Justice Moore speak first hand, I have a very different view than you presented. I have attached a short editorial about the difference of two key men in this issue and I will include a link that has a vast amount of resources regarding this as well. Thank you for being vocal and for speaking your mind.

Paul pvaughn@icgold.net (September 2003)

Thanks for the link. And, yes, I agree that the current courts have completely missed the whole point of religious liberty guaranteed by the U.S. Constitution. The phrase "separation of church and state" is not in the Constitution but in a letter from Thomas Jefferson who strongly opposed orthodox Christianity, calling it "dross".

July 2003
signs

First Baptist Church in Forest, Ohio, recently made all the papers.

An unnamed guest speaker was "preaching repentance and seeking a sign from God” when lightning struck the steeple.

Yep, according to Ronnie Cheney, 43, "You could hear the storm building outside. He just kept asking God what else he needed to say. He was asking for a sign and he got one. The lightning traveled through the microphone, blew out the sound system and enveloped the preacher, who wasn't hurt. Awesome, just awesome!”

The service continued for 20 minutes until parishioners realized the church was on fire.

Having a nose for news (and the need to find something -- anything -- to fill up 15 inches of column space this week), I called the pastor listed as Jim Fletcher. I wanted to know a) was the evangelist that TV preacher with the big hair who zaps people right off their feet, b) do lightning strikes safely remove unsightly nose hair, and c) do you have something I can use to fill up 15 inches of column space?

Unfortunately, the pastor didn't return my calls, so these important questions will go unanswered, and I'll have to find another angle if I'm going to use this story for this week's column.

How ‘bout some in depth background on recent miraculous signs? Yeah, if CNN can fill up 24 hours with 15 minutes worth of news every day, so can I. (Sound of file draw opening; rustling papers.)

Over 8,000 pilgrims visited Mario Rubio's small stucco house in rural New Mexico to see skillet burns on a tortilla resembling the mournful face of Jesus.

Residents of Fostoria, Ohio, claim Jesus' face appeared on the side of a soybean oil tank. Skeptics suggested it was only rust.

Jesus also showed up on the chimney of the Town and Country Bowling Alley in suburban Chicago. All agreed the four-foot high image was formed from rusting metal, but locals were split on whether it was Jesus or Popeye.

And now some perspective. (That's always a good way to conclude a column and fill up even more space.)

God may certainly do those things, and being God he CAN do those things. But The Almighty doesn't seem to have a very good track record of repentant results from razzle-dazzle, Cecil B. DeMille, make-all-the-papers miracles.

After God's "Top Ten” plagues in Egypt, the Hebrews were right back to doubting his existence and his care for them. After Jesus raised Lazarus from the dead -- which would seem to be pretty convincing proof that he was who he said he was -- the religious leaders got together to plan his execution for first-degree heresy.

You'd think that parting the Red Sea, raising the dead, or zapping a visiting evangelist with 10-100 million volts of electricity would make a believer out of any hell-bent infidel. But Jesus warns, "A wicked and adulterous generation asks for a miraculous sign!” Jesus goes on to say, "By this all men will know that you are my disciples, if you love one another."

Hmmm? Love as a "sign”? Could it be that his followers loving others (including their enemies) is more convincing proof of God's existence and his activity on earth than lightning from heaven? (Lightning striking an evangelist is indeed remarkable, but keep in mind an average thunderstorm produces 200 or more direct lightning hits to ground.)

You've got to admit Christian relief workers risking life and limb to deliver humanitarian aid in Iraq and other countries is pretty impressive. While in India, I was awe-struck that missionary Gladys Staines returned to work in the leprosy hospital, established by her husband, even after locals murdered him and her two sons. And then, of course there's the amazing Sunday School teacher, Todd Beamer, who helped avert more terrorism on 9/11 by fighting back on united Flight 93.

Unselfish love like a bolt from the blue -- now that's even more impressive than a lightning-zapped evangelist!

(c) 2003 James N. Watkins

May 2003
Pray-o-matic

You, too, can pray with confidence and competence with the new 'Pray-O-Matic" system. Just choose a phrase from each category and you'll touch heaven from your prayer closet just like the saints of old. (There are over 10,000 possible combinations.)

Opening
[ ] Our gracious and loving Heavenly Father
[ ] We come before You
[ ] We come into Your midst
[ ] We come into Your presence

Transitions
[ ] We beseech Thee
[ ] In Jesus name
[ ] In the powerful name of Jesus
[ ] For Thy boundless love and mercy
[ ] This is weighing heavily on our hearts and minds
[ ] For Thy sake we pray
[ ] We look to the Lord in prayer
[ ] O, Lord Almighty, Maker of Heaven and Earth

Praises
[ ] We want to praise You
[ ] We just want to praise You
[ ] We just really want to praise You
[ ] We just lift You up
[ ] We just want to thank you, Lord

For meals
[ ] Bless this food to it's intended use
[ ] Bless this food to our bodies
[ ] Strengthen us so we may serve you
[ ] God is great, God is good . . .

For health
[ ] We rebuke this illness in the powerful name of Jesus
[ ] Bless those who are sick of our number

For missionaries
[ ] Bless the missionaries who labor in foreign fields, especially those who have gone out from our assembly

For protection
[ ] Thank Thee for Thy watchcare over us
[ ] Grant us Thy traveling mercies
[ ] Protect us on our way
[ ] Surround us with a hedge of protection
[ ] Cover us with Your blood
[ ] Now I lay me down to sleep . .

. For wisdom
[ ] Grant us Thy insight on this matter
[ ] Guard, guide, and direct us

For other needs
[ ] Be with all the "unspoken requests"
[ ] Convict them with your Spirit
[ ] Lift their burden

Closing
[ ] For Thy sake we pray, amen.
[ ] In the Name of Jesus, amen.
[ ] . . . I pray the Lord my soul to take, amen.

Better yet, why not just talk to the Father as your father:

God has sent the Spirit of his Son into your hearts, and now you can call God your dear Father. Now you are no longer a slave but God's own child.And since you are his child, everything he has belongs to you (Galatians 4:6-7).

(c) 1999, 2003 James N. Watkins. Jim Watkins is an author and conference speaker who still can't pray without using at least one cliche.



March 2003
us vs. them

Christians have always been a contentious group way back to, well, Christ. "Sons of Thunder" James and John stirred up a storm arguing who was "the greatest" disciple. Paul locked horns with Peter and Barnabus, along with bull-headed congregations and the entire Roman empire.

Even the Civil War was filled with "Christian" conflict. In the recent film "God and Generals," both sides of the Civil War claim that God is on their side.

For instance, Confederate General Thomas "Stonewall" Jackson, who once considered becoming a missionary, anticipates the impending Battle of Bull Run. He offers this prayer:

"Dear Lord, this is your day, you have admonished us to keep it holy. I am ready Lord, your will be done. It is your sword I will wield into battle, it is your banner I will raise against those who will desecrate our land. If it is my time to come, then I will come with all the joy in my heart. Amen."

But in another scene, Union Colonel Lawrence Chamberlain, trained as a theologian, explains to his brother why they must fight for the North and the liberation of slaves.

"An army is power. Its entire purpose is to coerce others. We have seen more suffering than any man should ever see. The end must justify the cost. War is a scourge, but so is slavery. It is the systematic coercion of one man over another. That is no excuse to tolerate it here. If your life or mine is part of the price to end this curse and free the Negro, then let God's will be done."

Wait a minute! Both sides of the "Great Northern Aggression" and the "Fight to Free the Slaves" profoundly and passionately believed that God was on their side. Jackson and Chamberlain are both sure it is "God's will" to fight the other.

And now two powerful Christians, Pope John Paul II and President George W. Bush, believe that God is on their side regarding Iraq.

The Pope has said a war would be a ``defeat for humanity'' and maintains the conflict would be, and I quote, "neither morally nor legally justified." He wants Iraq to be disarmed through methods short of military force.

But President Bush, arguably the most overt and open Christian occupying the White House in recent years, is equally convinced God is on his side as he plans for war against Saddam Hussein. His State of the Union address was filled with calls for God's intervention for the United States. "May He guide us now."

So, was God on the side of the North or the South? Does He side with the Vatican's highest leader or the United States' Commander in Chief? Does He cheer for Notre Dame or Oral Roberts?

Since God doesn't seem bothered with divine contradictions (for instance that whole Trinity "three in one" thing), perhaps the answer is an unequivocal YES. He's on our side and theirs! (Then, again, I'm sure there are many times He just shakes His head in disagreement with both sides.)

Last June the President addressed the South Baptist Convention, a group that has taken contention to cosmic levels. Bush told them:

"Faith teaches us to respect those with whom we disagree. It teaches us to tolerate one another. And it teaches us that the proper way to treat human beings created in the divine image is with civility. Yet, you also know that civility does not require us to abandon deeply held beliefs. Civility and firm resolve can live easily with one another."

When "deeply held beliefs" collide, it's tempting to believe God is only on our side. But He may very well be on their side also! I don't understand it, but then again I don't understand the Trinity or God's love and mercy to all people--including Confederate and Union soldiers, the President and the Pope, as well as holy "hawks" and devout "doves."

Perhaps that's why Paul wrote, "I urge . . . that requests, prayers, intercession and thanksgiving be made for everyone--for kings and all those in authority, that we may live peaceful and quiet lives in all godliness. . . . "

God is on our side--and theirs.

+ + +

DISCLAIMER: Before you write that letter to the editor, let me clarify that I am not saying that the Judeo/Christian God is on the side of murderous dictator, Saddam Hussein. I am saying, that godly people can--and do--have differing opinions on what is "God's will" in personal and political issues. And there is debate as to whether this is a "just war."

(c) 2003 James N. Watkins

Comments

The best "proof text" I know for the question "is God on our side or yours?" is when Joshua said to the Angel, "Are you for us or for our enemy?" And the Angel's reply, "Neither! But as commander of the army of the Lord, I have now come!" (Joshua 513-14). And Josh fell face down in the dust! As should we.
Deni Williamson

The same could be said about Roe v. Wade. We lost. We should get behind the national agenda, right? No, right and wrong are not decided by majority vote. God's saints must not only do good but oppose what is wrong. Any Christian who believes that the war is wrong should keep on speaking out.
Steve Dunham

Good point, Steve! (Click here for my take on the abortion issue.)

Just because someone claims to be a Christian, doesn't mean he or she will be a good leader. As one of my denominational leaders noted, "A Christian Bozo is still a Bozo."
rabid_riter@hotmail.com

Jim, I am expectedly disappointed at your article title "Is God on our side and theirs?". Like the majority of mainline evangelical Christianity, your reasoning drips with post-modernism. In the article you do not deal with an ounce of Scripture with would explain YOUR view. If you want to know whose side God is on I recommend a faithful exegesis of passages like Romans 13. Then apply this truth to the current world situation and you will have your answer. Please help in reforming modern Christianity, not aiding in its lukewarm irrelevance.
"Jason 4 the Truth"

Thanks for your email, Jason. A few comments. First, "Jim Shorts" appears in secular newspapers, so an "ounce of Scripture" would probably have been edited out.

Second, I'm not sure I see how Romans 13 deals with Christians having opposing views. Keep in mind, as I wrote that Christians have disagreed with each other since Christ's time. Both sides of the Civil War felt they were wielding "the sword" of the Lord. And who hasn't been involved in disagreements at a local church?

Romans 13 does point out that no matter our view on a particular issue, the bottom line is love.

"Let no debt remain outstanding, except the continuing debt to love one another, for he who loves his fellowman has fulfilled the law. The commandments, 'Do not commit adultery,' 'Do not murder,' 'Do not steal,' 'Do not covet,' and whatever other commandment there may be, are summed up in this one rule 'Love your neighbor as yourself.' Love does no harm to its neighbor. Therefore love is the fulfillment of the law. "

I would suggest that you'd also consider Romans 14. There was a huge disagreement over diet. Both sides felt they were right!

"You, then, why do you judge your brother? Or why do you look down on your brother? For we will all stand before God's judgment seat. Let us therefore make every effort to do what leads to peace and to mutual edification."

Keep in mind we must apply all of Scripture to current issues, not just out-of-context "proof texts."

Thanks for your prayers that I do "help in reforming modern Christianity." That's my goal.

Jim, thank you for your passionate -- and reasonable and well-reasoned -- commentary. It is something of a hard walk -- this "middle-of-the-road" shuffle, with the stridency of both sides reverberating unceasingly. I feel no sanctimony here, only a heightened awareness that we are all so frail -- and so strong of persuasion -- and that our frailties and strongholds must not ultimately divide us . . . nor guide us. May HE set the/us captives free, and may we see our own captivities, lest we becomes slaves to our lesser gods. Give us more of your pithy Truth, Jim.
Judith Dupree



November 2002
understanding stupidity

James Welles (no relation to James Watkins) has written two books: The Story of Stupidity and Understanding Stupidity. Welles writes:

We can be stupid just by being ourselves. In fact, this book is based on two fundamental contentions: we cannot really understand ourselves without understanding stupidity, and if we understand stupidity, we will understand ourselves. Although the focus of this work is on stupidity, it is really a study of how the human mind functions. Sometimes it is ‘Intelligent'; more often it is ‘Stupid'.

Welles is indeed an expert on stupidity. The 61-year-old man was recently arrested for soliciting sex over the Internet from a 15-year-old girl. After setting up a rendezvous in a Denny's parking lot, he arrived only to be greeted by two police officers. The "15-year-old girl” he was making lewd and lascivious proposals to was actually a 40-year-old male detective. He faces a felony charge of soliciting a minor over the Internet.

Here are some of my own thoughts on stupidity with quotes from the "stupid” author himself.

1. To be really stupid, we've got to deny the reality of stupidity.

Welles writes,

Since judgment is so subjective and made from an arbitrarily, subconsciously selected perspective, people usually fail to see themselves as doing something stupid while engaged in behavior detrimental to their own interests. They persist in such activity because they have a [system of thought] which defines success in terms of the behavior undertaken while it simultaneously inhibits percepts of undesirable negative consequences.

Exactly! As long as what is smart and what is stupid are all relative and "so subjective,” individuals, groups, political parties, and entire countries will continue to do really stupid stuff without even knowing they're doing stupid stuff.

There needs to be objective standards or we will continue to "tolerate” stupidity in the name of "diversity.” Observing Jesus' command to "do onto others as you would have them do unto you” would prevent a ton of stupidity.

Stupidity in small doses, however, can be helpful, because . . .

2. The greater the degree of stupidity, the greater the potential for reviving standards

Welles, who has a Ph.D. in biology from Tulane University, wrote in 1988:

Haunting me almost daily during the writing of this book have been vivid memories of my most stupid failures. Again and again I have replayed my most grievous mistakes. Why did I trust her? Why did I believe him? Why didn't I speak up? Why didn't I shut up? None of these personal experiences appears on the following pages even in an indirect sense. All examples presented are drawn from the impersonal public record. However, my motivation was intensely personal. If this book can help save anyone the bewildering confusion I have suffered while trying to make some kind of sense out of what people say and do, then the effort to write it will not have been wasted.

Impeached President Clinton and his well-publicized stupidity provided a brief caution for other government officials' domestic affairs. Martha Stewart's alleged inside trading has put the fear of the SEC into the heart of stock brokers, at least for now. And Winona Ryder's latest role as convicted shoplifter, hopefully, deters a few would be thieves.

So, why don't we learn more from others' stupid stunts? Perhaps because people don't really believe that . . .

3. Stupidity can reap stupendous consequences

Again, in the author's own words:

We are indebted to those who failed so stupidly in the past, because their mistakes permit us to understand what we are presently doing. More important, we are obliged to acknowledge that our actions will shape the future. An understanding of how stupidity affects human behavior might make us better people or at least more successful at being who and what we are. This understanding places a moral burden on us to be responsible not only for ourselves but also to those poor souls who will pay the price for our next stupid failure and the next...and the next . . . .

We not only reap what we sow, but we export our bumper crop of stupidity. Forty percent of all fatal traffic accidents are caused by drunk drivers. Smoking during pregnancy increases chance of miscarriage and still birth. A British medical group estimates that Saddam Hussein would lose 500,000 soldiers and civilians if his non-compliance with U.N. mandate to disarm leads to war.

So, according to Welles, we're right back to doing unto other "poor souls” as we would have them do onto us. A smart strategy for avoiding stupidity -- and becoming a chapter in "The Story of Stupidity.”

(c) 2002 James N. Watkins

Note: Welles thoughts on stupidity reinforce St. Paul's from Romans 1:21-22.

For although they knew God, they neither glorified him as God nor gave thanks to him, but their thinking became futile and their foolish hearts were darkened. Although they claimed to be wise, they became fools.

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October 2002
I am not God

Last week, the serial sniper(s) in the Maryland/Washington D.C. area left the death card from a Tarot deck with this chilling message:

"Dear policeman, I am God."

This brings up two important questions.

First, what kind of psycho-pathetic person would shoot innocent people in the name of God, and two, wouldn't it be kind of cool to be God.

So, in my right hand, direct from my home office—soon to be atop Mt. Sinai—today's top ten list:

Top Ten Things I'd Do If I Were God

10. Know who really shot JFK, if there really are aliens in Roswell, the identity of those "secret herbs and spices" at KFC, and who really won the 2000 Presidential race in Florida. As all knowing, I could be the world's greatest investigative humor columnist!

9. During creation, spend a little more time on northern Indiana.

8. The next person who asks me to eternally destroy something, I'll take them up on their request. Suddenly a blinding light, a deafening roar, and there's a ten-foot-wide crater where that (bleep bleep) hard-to-start lawnmower used to be. People would be a lot more careful what they said if I were God.

7. Only one mosquito on the ark.

6. Dust off the ten plagues of Egypt and deliver them right to the palace door of Saddam Hussein.

5. Require that all religious TV and radio programs carry the following disclaimer: Views expressed by speaker are those of the speaker and do not necessarily reflect the views of God, His Son, or His church. (And I'd make it clear that Jerry Falwell and Jessie Jackson are NOT my official spokesmen.)

4. All kinds of poetically just punishments for rapists and child abusers, none of which can be printed in a family newspaper.

3. All paintings of white Anglo-Saxon Jesus would disappear in the twinkling of an eye. God's Son was born in the Middle East and spent His infancy in Africa!

2. An eleventh commandment: Thou shall not "spam" thy neighbor.

1. Zap the serial killer(s) with a few kabillion volts of lightning!

Okay, okay, it's a good thing that I'm not God. (If I can't even balance my checkbook, I have no business running the universe.) And, nothing personal, I'm glad you're not God either.

Any time anyone claims to be God—from a serial killer to cult leader—it would be good to check him or her out by God's standards:

[ ] Love your neighbor

[ ] Love your enemies

Let's see. Nope! Nope! The latest serial killer doesn't even come close!

However, we all would do well to try to be a bit more like God.

And we can all start by not forwarding on all the latest email jokes and hoaxes.

(c) 2002 James N. Watkins

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December 2001
peace on earth?!

This Christmas season seems to be haunted by the "Ghost of September Past.”

Lost luggage and cancelled flights are the least of holiday travel worries.

Christmas packages are radiated by the Postal Service to kill any possible Anthrax contamination.

A heartless sociopath living in a cave overlooking Whoville reminds us of another, far more hateful cave-dweller.

And, the thought of a bearded foreigner flying over American rooftops doesn't exactly dream up visions of sugar plums.

Henry Wadsworth Longfellow didn't feel in much of a holiday mood either when he heard the bells on Christmas Eve during the Civil War. His wife had been burned alive when her clothing caught fire in 1861, and his son had been critically wounded in the War in December 1863. The famous poet is believed to have penned the following year in 1864:

I heard the bells on Christmas day
Their old familiar carols play,
And wild and sweet the words repeat
Of peace on earth, good will to men.

I thought how, as the day had come,
The belfries of all Christendom
Had rolled along the unbroken song
Of peace on earth, good will to men.

And in despair I bowed my head
'There is no peace on earth,' I said,
'For hate is strong and mocks the song
Of peace on earth, good will to men.'

Then pealed the bells more loud and deep:
'God is not dead, nor doth He sleep;
The wrong shall fail, the right prevail
With peace on earth, good will to men.'

Till ringing, singing on its way
The world revolved from night to day,
A voice, a chime, a chant sublime
Of peace on earth, good will to men.

But Longfellow's hope was in the One who originally wished, "Peace on earth, goodwill to all people on whom His favor rests.”

So despite my uneasiness about not-so-jolly men in beards and visions of Anthrax dancing in my head, I can settle down for a long winter's nap. The bells continue to ring out the promise of peace with faith and hope of Christmas.

And it came to pass in those days, that there went out a decree from Caesar Augustus that all the world should be taxed. (And this taxing was first made when Cyrenius was governor of Syria.) And all went to be taxed, every one into his own city. And Joseph also went up from Galilee, out of the city of Nazareth, into Judaea, unto the city of David, which is called Bethlehem; (because he was of the house and lineage of David:) To be taxed with Mary his espoused wife, being great with child.

And so it was, that, while they were there, the days were accomplished that she should be delivered. And she brought forth her firstborn son, and wrapped him in swaddling clothes, and laid him in a manger; because there was no room for them in the inn.

And there were in the same country shepherds abiding in the field, keeping watch over their flock by night. And, lo, the angel of the Lord came upon them, and the glory of the Lord shone round about them: and they were sore afraid. And the angel said unto them, Fear not: for, behold, I bring you good tidings of great joy, which shall be to all people. For unto you is born this day in the city of David a Savior, which is Christ the Lord. And this shall be a sign unto you; Ye shall find the babe wrapped in swaddling clothes, lying in a manger.

And suddenly there was with the angel a multitude of the heavenly host praising God, and saying, Glory to God in the highest, and on earth peace, good will toward men (Luke 2)

Have a joyous, peaceful holiday season!

(c) 2001 James N. Watkins

Related site

Peace doesn't sell papers

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September 2001
Nostradamus

Did Nostradamus, the French astrologer and grocery-store tabloid icon, predict the terrible terrorist attack on the World Trade Center in 1654?

The big war will begin when the big city is burning
on the 11th day of the 9th month that
two metal birds would crash into two tall statues
in the new city and the world will end soon after.
Nostradus, 1654

Wow! That's amazing--if not just a bit disturbing! Well, may be not.

First, it seems to be a complete hoax since Nostradamus died in 1566! The closest writing to the fake prophecy above is:

The sky will burn at forty-five degrees latitude,
Fire approaches the great new city
Immediately a huge, scattered flame leaps up
When they want to have verification from the Normans
Century 6, Quatrain 97

Secondly, New York City lies at exactly 40 degrees, 42 minutes, 51 seconds north latitude and the Normans are the French. (For the truly paranoid, beware of Alpina, Michigan, St. Cloud, Minnesota, Billings, Montana, Portland, Oregon, and Aberdeen, South Dakota-all of which are on the 45th latitude!)

Third, his predictions, written in four-line verses called "quatrains” are so vague that his words can be interpreted to mean virtually anything. Astrologers and psychics are counting on us wanting to believe them. The characteristics of the various signs of horoscopes are so vague, we could talk ourselves into believing "that's me"! And stargazers are depending on us to interpret their general predictions with our specific situation.

For instance, here's what I predicted as "Swami Watkins” in this column on January 2, 2001.

"President-elect George ("I know how hard it is to put food on your family”) Bush will say something silly during the course of the year.” Sure enough, on April 10, the President said, "This administration is doing everything we can to end the stalemate in an efficient way. We're making the right decisions to bring the solution to an end."

I also predicted, "Sock Puppet will contract a bad case of ratings and have to be put down.” When pets.com went belly up, the Internet pet supply company sold their mascot to IPET.com but "Sock Puppet” has not been seen since.

And, I went out on a limb by predicting, "a famous Hollywood couple will split up citing irreconcilable differences.” On February 7, Tom Cruise filed for divorce from Nicole Kidman!

I also predicted that, and I quote, "Earthquakes, famine, wars and rumors of war will continue to dominate newspaper headlines.” On January 26 an earthquake measuring 7.7 on the Richter scale killed 20,103 in northwest India. Ten other earthquakes of 7.0 have been reported this year. And then, on September 11, headlines announced "President declares war.”

Obviously, it doesn't require a great deal of psychic skill to make vague, general predictions. Astrologers and psychics get into trouble when they try to predict specific events.

For instance, Jean Dixon, who had a best-selling book in the 1960's, gained fame for predicting the assassination of President Kennedy. Then, again, so did my chronically conservative grandfather: "Somebody's gonna kill that young, liberal whipper-snapper." What doesn't appear on Dixon's resume' is that she also predicted that Richard Nixon would win the 1960 election--not Kennedy--and that the Russians would beat us to the moon. She had a 6 percent record for accuracy during her career!

So why did Internet users make "Nostradamus” the second highest search engine word on Lycos following the terrorist attack? Stephen O'Leary, a professor of communications at the University of Southern California, who studies Nostradamus, believes "Finding an event predicted in prophecy gives people some kind of comfort, as if there's more order."

Despite my amazing abilities as "Swami Watkins,” I think I'll stick with our national motto for comfort, thank you. "In God We Trust.”

(c) 2001 James N. Watkins

July 2001
six months to live

Recently a friend asked me to speak at her memorial service since doctors have given her less than a week to live with a massive brain tumor. Phyllis has a wonderful attitude of joy, which may explain she's asked a humor columnist to give her eulogy.

So, I've been thinking a lot about writer Ann Lamott's advice: we should live our lives as if we had just six months to live (or flying on a Fisher-Price commuter plane later in the week). The first thing I would do is eat my body weight in dark chocolate, but since I do want to live longer than six months, that's probably not a good idea.

Having a deadline with death, though, does have some advantages. Here are my "Top Ten”--

10. No one asks you to coach Little League or make cookies for a bake sale.

9. Life in prison is only half a year.

8. Not having to read this columnist's ranting and raving after January.

7. Never having to watch another night (or month) of Presidential election returns.

6. Finally losing those fifteen pounds you've always wanted to.

5. Never filling out another stack of tax forms.

4. People volunteering to mow the lawn, take out the trash, and run to the store for more dark chocolate.

3. People saying nice things about you--finally.

2. Cashing in that million-dollar life insurance policy.

And the number one advantage to having six months or less to live . . .

1. No time to kill.

But seriously, there are some things I'd do differently if I did have just six months to live.

1. I'd spend less time tinkering on my Web site and more time listening to my wife's account of her day (the unabridged edition), phoning my married daughter, hearing all about my son's love life, and rubbing Teddy's tummy. The psycho-babble term for this is "being present.”

2. I would say "I love you” more often to my family and friends. If I thought I had just six months to live, I'd probably be a lot more careful about what I say to those closest to me.

3. I would try to finish my autobiography. I realize that no one outside of my immediate family really cares about the life and times of James N. Watkins, but I do want my kids and grandkids to know what it was like growing up during the last half of the last century (black and white TV, the Cold War, paisley shirts, the moon landings, and Y2K). Most important, though, I want them to know what made Great-great-grandpa Jim tick-and write.

4. I'd probably choose my column topics a bit more carefully, although I would still try to find some humor in approaching my final deadline. (I still get encouraging emails on the piece I wrote several years ago about my medical misadventures with a stubborn kidney stone.) And, I'd want to be sure what I wrote was worth taking the life of a tree to print it.

5. And I'd try to put into practice the song I wrote for our church's keyboard player, Paula, who is currently being treated for liver cancer.

We have this moment in time
to lift up Your holy name on high.
Another hour of this day
to offer You our lifelong praise.
We have this moment in time

We have this moment in time
to love the ones You've placed in our lives.
Another hour of this day
to voice the words we need to say.
We have this moment in time.

We have this moment in time,
No matter the length of our lives
So ev'ry hour of ev'ry day
may we live them all this way, For
we have this moment in time.

So, let's make every moment count. As for me, I'm beginning with a sensible serving of dark chocolate.

© 2001 James N. Watkins

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May 2001
yo! for a thousand tongues to sing

Everyone has his or her preferences, prejudices, and preconceived notions: Coke or Pepsi. Purdue or Indiana. Fossil fuels or alternative power sources. Republican or Democrat. Boxers or briefs. Letterman or Leno. Thin crust or deep dish. Pop or classical. Network or PBS. Dog or cat. And putting one of each of those people together in a small room is like an "Itchy and Scratchy" cartoon!

So, pity the pastor or choir director who has to select music for the weekend service. Hymnals or overhead projector. Hymns or choruses. Clapping on beats 1 and 3 or on 2 and 4.

Congregational singing itself was a radical departure from tradition. From Solomon's temple (950 B.C.) to the gothic cathedrals of the 1300's, music was left to trained professionals. Ordinary people could only participate in worship with responsive readings and, of course, the offering.

Critics of contemporary church music have complained as loudly as a 300-pipe organ with all the stops pulled out. Maybe you've heard one or more of these complaints:

”Guitars have no place in worship services!”

That complaint was first voiced in A.D. 200 when instrumental music was banned in most churches due to its association with, and I quote, "debauchery and immorality." Lyres (which were early versions of the Gibson "Les Paul Custom") were considered "pagan" and associated with prostitution. And everyone knows that sex and drugs lead to rock and roll!

"I don't like all those new praise choruses."

Ambrose of Milan (339-397) was first to introduce hymns with metrical stanzas which were often sung while marching. He's often referred to as the father of hymnodoy. Until the 300's all church music consisted of psalms chanted with a cantor voicing a line and the congregation repeating it--sort of like today's "rap" music without the electronic drums and #*+@ &%@! lyrics.

Up through the 600's, songs were often limited to a cycle of 150 psalms sung every year.

In the 900's music began to be notated for the first time allowing choirs to sing from sheet music. This allowed much more complex music which could not have previously been passed along through vocal tradition. Starting in France around 1200, harmony replaced the solo melody line with two-, three-, and even four-part harmony. One critic wrote that harmony "sullies worship by introducing a lewdness into church."

Isaac Watts (1674-1748) created a stir by freely paraphrasing Scripture in his "man-made" hymns.

"I can't hear the words over the music!"

As music became more complex and sophisticated, John Wycliffe (1330-1384) complained, "No one can hear the words, and all the others are dumb and watch them like fools."

"That music doesn't belong in the church!"

During the 1600's many churches such as Anglican, Lutheran, and Roman Catholic began using the organ as a part of worship, often as a solo instrument rather than accompanying singing. The Reformed churches, however, fought against this "worldly” instrument.

Charles Wesley, who was the song leader for the John Wesley Evangelistic Association during the late 1700's, took English pub tunes and added Christian lyrics, many paraphrased from the Church of England's Prayer Book. Did you know you can sing "One Hundred Bottles of Beer on the Wall" to the tune of "O, For A Thousand Tongues to Sing"? Just a coincidence? I don't think so.

William Booth (1829-1912), who founded the Salvation Army with its "ska” brass bands, was first to ask, "Why should the devil have all the best music?" Booth was probably inspired by the worship band found in the Bible's Psalm 150:

Praise the Lord . . . with the sounding of the trumpet, praise him with the harp and lyre, praise him with tambourine and dancing, praise him with the strings and flute, praise him with the clash of cymbals, praise him with resounding cymbals.

So for over two thousand years, parishioners have complained about contemporary music in the church. My guess is that the sour notes will continue until George Beverly Shea records "The Best of the Supertones.” Until then, maybe we can be a bit more understanding of those whose musical style isn't in tune with ours--just like tolerating Coke, cats, and PBS.

© 2001 James N. Watkins

Comments

Quick funny story. Our congregation has always been very traditional, so this new service has been a big shock to many people's ears. We, of course, kept a traditional service and added the contemporary one, so everyone has a choice, but some people just don't even like the idea of keyboard and drums and microphone even being in the church. We've had many discussions about what is "appropriate" church music. Did it have to originally be in The Lutheran Hymnal? Did some church "father" have to compose it? What made it appropriate? Our new assistant music director is a fantastic keyboardist and he can make any music sound like the heavenly choir. At one traditional service at which he was playing (another sore spot for the traditionalists--he plays on the keyboard that he makes sound like an organ, NOT the real organ), he was playing something that gave me chillls, it was so beautiful. He glanced over at me several times to guage my reaction, and I mouthed "Beautiful!" Gorgeous!" He grinned his rather mischievous grin, which made me wonder what he was up to. When he finished the prelude, even our minister complimented him on the beauty and solemnity of the piece. He nodded and grinned at me again. Then he showed me the sheet music from which he was improvising. It was the Country Western tune, "She Thinks My Tractor's Sexy." Linda teacherlin@verizon.net

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March 2001
Lent and clip-on ties

For the past few years, I've tried to give up something for Lent. Two years ago I tried giving up chocolate (Hi, I'm Jim . . . ). Last year I managed to go 40 days plus Sundays without completely redesigning my entire Web site (www.jameswatkins.com).

This year, I've decided to go all out with my "Top Ten” list of things I'm giving up for Lent

10. Flexible sigmoid exams

9. Sushi

8. Adam Sandler movies

7. Multi-level marketing schemes

6. UFO abductions

5. Golf pants and clip-on ties

4. Rap music, especially that "Enema" dude

3. Body piercing (other than the usual household repair accidents)

2. Political correctness

1. Cats

+ + +

Apparently former President Clinton has vowed to give up any remaining shreds of dignity and integrity for Lent. He seems so desperate for a lasting legacy that he appeared on a recent Fox ("The Alien Autopsy Network”) special of the NAACP's Image Awards that honor black entertainers and other public figures.

The white ex-governor of Arkansas ("The Segregation State") told the crowd of color, "I think I am the first black president."'

+ + +

Ted Turner, the founder of floundering CNN, apparently is giving up his self-touted "tolerance" as of Ash Wednesday. At a retirement party for Bernard Shaw, a number of staffers arrived with smudges on their foreheads. (Ash Wednesday is a Catholic commemoration in which ashes from the previous year's Easter palm leaves are used to make the mark of the cross.)

"What are you," Turner taunted, "a bunch of Jesus freaks? You ought to be working for Fox [News]."

Shouldn't he face the same media malice and mayhem as baseball player John Rocker, who made intolerant remarks about gays, blacks, and New Yorker subway riders? (Turner, incidentally, owns Rocker's team.) If the media mogul had insulted Jews, Muslims, New Age-ers, Pagans, Satan worshippers, or even voodoo priestesses, he'd find himself making coffee at a local public access cable station.

+ + +

And, finally, this item concerning the student newspaper at the University of California-Berkeley. If you're old enough to be an AARP member, you remember the paper as a champion of the First Amendment right to publish articles critical of the Vietnam War. Well, the paper is apparently giving up its defense of the law that protects freedom of speech and freedom of the press.

It recently apologized for running a paid ad quoting conservative columnist David Horowitz's ten reasons why reparations for slavery are harmful not only to blacks but all Americans (www.frontpagemag.com). An angry group of student protestors (remember them from the ‘60's?) stormed the newspaper office and then stole all the remaining copies of the issue from campus newsstands.

Of the 24 colleges receiving the paid ad, 11 colleges ignored it (even though most student papers are starving for ad dollars), nine rejected it, three refused to run it but had previously run an ad claiming the holocaust never occurred, two ran it then apologized for running it, and one college paper printed an ad attacking it, but never ran the original ad.

Whatever happened to the free exchange of ideas that used to be a part of required college curriculum?!

+ + +

Hmmm? Maybe I should give up cynicism for Lent!

© 2000 James N. Watkins

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June 2000
prayer in school

The U.S. Supreme Court recently ruled by a 6-3 majority that public schools cannot allow student-led prayer before high school football games. That may not be a bad idea considering who might be praying:

The kid who always dresses in black: "Power of darkness, descend upon our team and possess them with power from below."

The Iranian exchange student, "To the one and only God, Allah, may the satanic infidels who come against us feel Thy divine wrath and judgment."

The charismatic kid: "Come out, foul spirits of fumbled balls and missed tackles! We rebuke the team who comes against us in the name of Jeeeeeeeeee-sus!"

And, the homecoming queen runner-up: "And God, I pray that Queen Stephanie is not pregnant, and that if she is, the blood tests will reveal which member of the team is the father."

It's a complicated issue!

While ruling against student-led prayer, Justice John Paul Stevens admitted, "We recognize the important role that public worship plays in many communities, as well as the sincere desire to include public prayer as a part of various occasions so as to mark those occasions' significance."

Chief Justice William Rehnquist, accused the majority of "distorting existing precedent" to rule that the policy violated the First Amendment's establishment of religion clause and noted that the amendment also protects freedom of speech.

"But even more disturbing than its holding is the tone of the Court's opinion; it bristles with hostility to all things religious in public life. Neither the holding nor the tone of the opinion is faithful to the meaning of the Establishment Clause," Rehnquist wrote, noting that the nation's first president, George Washington, himself had called for a day of "public thanksgiving and prayer."

Rehnquist also pointed out that the Galveston, Texas, policy allowed students to discuss purely secular topics, not just prayer. The choice of topics and speakers was to be made by the students, not the school.

Prayer is important.

The Apostle Paul writes to believers, "I urge, then, first of all, that requests, prayers, intercession and thanksgiving be made for everyone--for kings and all those in authority, that we may live peaceful and quiet lives in all godliness and holiness (1 Timothy 2:1-2). If he were writing today, Paul would probably add "and for Supreme Court justices."

I depend on prayer. Especially when I send my children off to public school, or it's one hour from deadline and I have no clue what to write for my weekly column.

But prayer is also private.

Jesus commands, "When you pray, do not be like the hypocrites, for they love to pray standing in the synagogues and on the street corners to be seen by men. I tell you the truth, they have received their reward in full. When you pray, go into your room, close the door and pray to your Father, who is unseen. Then your Father, who sees what is done in secret, will reward you (Matthew 6:5-7).

Parents are still free to send their children off to school with prayer. Students are still free to pray aloud in groups on school property before and after hours and, especially, silently before tests. (If not for prayer, I would have never passed high school Latin. Mirable dictu!)

And, best of all, no one is going to broadcast over the school P.A.., "And God, save the soul of that godless columnist who dares to suggest that public prayers at school assemblies may not be the best idea."

(c) 2000 James N. Watkins

Comment

Case in point for all the problems public prayer can cause . . . Atheist Michael Harvey disrupted the Tampa City Council meeting when he attempted to give the opening "prayer." According to Fox News, some members became angry, a 30-minute debate ensued and three members walked out. One of those leaving, Mary Alvarez, said she shouldn't have to "listen to an atheist sit here and tell me what I should or should not believe in." Hmmm? rabid_riter@hotmail.com (August 2004).

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June 2000
'the Bible sez'

Recently, the Southern Baptist Convention voted to ban from serving as pastors over half its members (women). Soon after, the Presbyterian Church (USA) general assembly tackled the issue of homosexuality after the denomination's highest court ruled in favor of allowing gays to serve as ministers and endorsing homosexual union ceremonies.

This summer's season of church conferences affects everyone who is trying to figure out what the Bible says on current issues. (What does the Bible say about DNA mapping, anyway?!) .

While I love the way Billy Graham drawls out "The Bible sez . . . " sometimes it is as complicated as a chromosome's double-helix.

For instance, the Bible says "A feast is made for laughter, and wine makes life merry, but money is the answer for everything." Yep, that's what Ecclesiastes 10:19 says. Could it be that Robin Leach's "rich and famous" friends are the only ones living the true biblical "lifestyle"?! So much for those vows of poverty and pledges of sobriety!

And throughout history the "double-edged sword" of Scripture has been used to justify numerous atrocities including the Crusades, the Inquisition, slavery, child and wife abuse, and a continuum of kooky cults.

There are 23,000 verses in the Protestant Bible and a few thousand more in the Catholic Bible. So, a person can pretty much create his or her own casserole of doctrine by adding a dash of this verse--taken out of context--and that word interpreted to his or her taste.

However, to "correctly handle the Word of God"--at least it seems to me--we should . . .

1) Take the common meaning of the word in the original language (Hebrew, Aramaic, and Greek) at the time it was written.

If you don't believe that words change over the years, just stand up in the office or factory cafeteria tomorrow and announce, "I'm feeling rather gay today." Since Scripture was written over a period of 1,600 years 2,000 years ago, we cannot assume that the meaning of the word in, say, 3000 B.C. is the same as today.

For instance, in 1 Timothy 2:12, St. Paul appears to prohibit women from having "authority" in the church. However, the common usage of the word at the time in Ephesus referred to "leading men into sexual immorality." The word didn't mean strictly leadership until after A.D. 200.

You don't have to be a Hebrew and Greek expert to discover original word meanings. (I passed Greek 101 and 201 magna cum grace!) Commentaries and many word study books are available at most religious book stores.

2) Take the cultural context of the passage.

In first century Palestine, women were not afforded an education, so most were illiterate. So, at that time and place, it wasn't a good idea for women to be pastors since they couldn't read what "the Bible says."

Also, at that time, nearly half of the population of the Roman Empire were highly educated, skilled white- and blue-color workers who had been taken as slaves and prisoners of war. So St. Paul is not really condoning slavery when he tells slaves to obey their masters, and for masters to treat their slaves well.

Again, commentaries and history books can provide the cultural context of difficult passages. .

3) Don't take everything personally.

For instance the ceremonial and sacrificial laws of the Old Testament, such as circumcision, diet, Sabbath observance, etc., do not apply to Christians today. (At least not many modern churches are slaughtering animals on the altar, unless of course, unless they're candidates for cult status.) And all of Jesus' disciples are not commanded to "Go to the village and find a donkey with her colt." (I can't find a single donkey dealer in my Yellow Pages.) .

Also, some books, such as Psalms, Proverbs, and Ecclesiastes are more like spiritual journals rather than biblical theology, commands, promises, or principles. Sorry, you can't use Ecclesiastes 10:19 as a "proof text" for living out your "champagne wishes and caviar dreams."

That's why we it's important to . . .

4) Take the broadest, most documented position.

One college professor suggested we burn all our concordances. "If you have to look through the entire Bible each time you want to prove something, you'll see what God has to say, not just some verse to prove what you want to say."

The two isolated verses banning women in leadership, need to be taken in the cultural context and balanced with the hundreds of verses describing Godly women who served as prophets (the original word is "prophet," not prophetess), judges, military leaders, disciples who bankrolled Jesus' ministry, deacons (the original is "deacon," not deaconess), and house church leaders (pastors?).

The overall, general principle is found in Paul's letter to the Galatian church, "There is neither Jew nor Greek, slave not free, male nor female, for you are all one in Christ Jesus." What a radical concept in a culture that viewed women and slaves as "property"!

And I can't find anything positive about homosexual unions in Scripture since "the Bible says" male/female marriage reflects the "image of God" who has both masculine and feminine characteristics. Maybe God seems bent out of shape by gay unions because they bend His image out of shape. Hmmm?

Well, it could be a long, hot summer for delegates at denominational conferences. And the issues being debated will affect how people in the pews interpret Scripture and, ultimately, how they live out their lives.

So, let's be careful how we use the "two-edged sword" on these issues. Remember, the Bible says the most important commandment is to fully love God and our neighbors--and our fellow conference delegates.

(c) 2000 James N. Watkins

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August 1999
McMessages and more

Presenting the latest entries from the 1999 edition of Watkins' Church "Dlectionary"

Bibull: Sermon that takes Scripture out of context.

Bored Meeting: (No definition required!)

Byelines: Third verse of hymns skipped over in congregational singing.

Church growth: Side effect of too many carry-in dinners.

Commviction: Psychological technique used to coerce parishioners to serve on church committees.

Deafline: Point pastors pass when their message goes over twenty minutes.

Damentalist: Believer who has lost the "fun" in his/her faith.

Geek Orthodox: A member of an online church.

Guesson: Sunday school session that leaves students wondering, "Now what was the teacher trying to say?"

Guestimony: Message of a former drug-crazed hippie, former female impersonator, former multi-level marketer, etc. Especially popular in churches where there are no sinners.

Heaven's Gate: Senior Bible class.

Helloship: Shallow conversation in church foyers often mislabeled as "fellowship."

Lite sin: Antonym of "deep sin;" having one-third less disapproval than other leading sins.

McMessage: Entertaining sermon with little nutritional value.

Meology: Self-centered doctrine.

Ministry: Suffix, which applied to any activity immediately spiritualizes it (ie., beach ministry, mall ministry, softball ministry, etc.).

Pastornoia: Overwhelming fear that the minister will: a) visit your home while you're watching "NYPD Blue," b) see you on your way to the lake on Sunday morning, c) ask you to serve on a committee.

Pew mold: a) globs of gum stuck to the bottom of church seats, b) person who has been sitting in the same seat, reciting the same testimony, and praying the same prayer for three months or more.

Prophits: People in ministry for the money.

Sinspiration: Motivation to do something right for the wrong reason.

Tele-Vision: Special revelation given to a TV evangelist when contributions fall behind budget projections.

Writeousness: Self-righteous attitude of authors who see the speck of dust in their brother's eye, but have a. . . Uh, sorry, I'm out of room.

(c) 1987, 1999 James N. Watkins

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April 1999
Holy Week and humor

Greek theater divided plays into two categories: tragedies and comedies.

Tragic tales had dire endings--such as the bountiful body counts at the end of many of Shakespeare's play. In comedies, however, the hero and heroine always lived "happily ever-after" or at least had a pulse at the curtain call.

Using that definition, the Easter story is a wonderful comedy.

Jesus had been annoying the religious leaders all week. He was preaching that love was more important than their man-made laws. He was healing the sick and raising the dead, which obviously drew bigger crowds than gory temple sacrifices. He even bounced a few temple workers out on their self-righteous rears. And worst of all, he had called the priestly poobahs "sons of vipers" and "white-washed tombs."

Now Jesus was flogged, beaten, nailed to a cross, speared, declared dead, bound in burial cloths, sealed in a tomb and guarded by Roman soldiers. "We'll never hear from that trouble-maker again!" the priests laughed.

But God always has the last laugh!

Sunday morning Jesus Christ is alive and well. Christianity flourishes. The temple is destroyed. The Roman Empire falls. Dante describes it as "The Divine Comedy."

"Life is Beautiful," this year's "Best Foreign Film," graphically illustrates how even the Holocaust can be turned into comedy. Director and "Best Actor" Roberto Benigni tells the story of Guido who is sent to a concentration camp with his young son. The comical character remains irrepressibly joyful throughout his horrible ordeal. Even, as his last act before being executed, Guido is bringing laughter to his son.

Not surprisingly, movie critics are horrified at the idea of a comedy set in a concentration camp. And one should never trivialize the Holocaust with "Something Funny Happened on the Way to the Gas Chamber." But the film tastefully illustrates the meaning of Godly "comedy."

God is able to take tragedy and turn it, in the Greek sense of the word, into a "comedy." Life becomes a continuous "good news-bad news" joke for people of faith.

For example. The bad news: my wife nearly died giving birth to our daughter, and we had few maternity benefits with our insurance. The good news: Lois' stay in Intensive Care made the whole experience "major medical" and every bill was paid. The bad news: the U. S. Postal service lost my airline tickets. The good news: the replacement tickets were $150 cheaper! The bad news: it took three surgeries in two hospitals to remove my stubborn kidney stone. The good news: I'm still hearing from readers who were inspired by my kidney stone column.

God's providence provides the powerful punch-line! Morning follows night. Spring follows winter. Laughter follows grief. Beauty follows horror. Resurrection follows crucifixion. And "comedy" follows "tragedy."

Have a joyful--and jovial--Easter.

(c) 1999 James N. Watkins

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November 1998
'Christian'

Have you ever had one of those moments of total and complete humiliation? Have you ever wanted to crawl in a hole and pull the hole in after you? I have!

My first experience occurred in a tour bus rest room. I was sitting there minding my own business when suddenly the bus made a sharp right turn. Due to a defective lock, one of Newton's laws of motion and several of Murphy's laws, the door flew open.

An elderly lady was sitting across the aisle from me, so I wasn't about to stand up and create an additional sight on the tour! I stayed seated until the next left turn when the door closed and I could securely lock it.

But the absolutely worst moment of mortification occurred while I was one of the speakers at a summer camp. Like most campgrounds, if you weren't in the rest rooms by 5 a.m., you were showered with ice cubes. So, I skipped the afternoon session to take a nice, long, hot shower. When finished, I discovered my skivvies had fallen into the sink which, unfortunately, was plagued with a slow drip. My underwear was soaked.

Priding myself as a resourceful person, I wrung them out, laid them on my towel on the shelf and proceeded to dry them with my blow drier. So, there I stood in Adam's original state when someone decided the afternoon service would be a good time to clean the men's rest rooms. That someone was the female custodian!

The past month has provided two additional moments of utter embarrassment: First, the so-called "Christians" at a murdered homosexual's funeral brandishing signs reading "God hates fags" and "Burn in hell Matthew Shepherd." And, secondly, the sniper killing of abortionist, Dr. Barnett Slepian, reportedly by a "pro-lifer."

As a pro-life person who is attempting--rather imperfectly--to live out Jesus Christ's teachings, I'd like to point out that neither of these events are "Christian" or "pro-life."

Jesus taught that ". . . all men will know that you are my disciples, if you love one another." And while homosexual activists and abortionists may be moral and philosophical opponents of conservative Christian values, Christ also taught his followers to love their enemies.

"But I tell you who hear me: Love your enemies, do good to those who hate you, bless those who curse you, pray for those who mistreat you. Do to others as you would have them do to you."

Saint Paul reinforces the words of Jesus as he writes to the Roman believers. "Do not take revenge, my friends, but leave room for God's wrath, for it is written: 'It is mine to avenge; I will repay,' says the Lord. On the contrary: 'If your enemy is hungry, feed him; if he is thirsty, give him something to drink . . . .' Do not be overcome by evil, but overcome evil with good."

Perhaps we need a new term to distinguish "Christians" who are spreading hate and division from those who are sincerely yet imperfectly trying to live out Christ's command to love God and their neighbor as themselves. Those who are harassing grieving family members at gay funerals, from those who are providing compassionate care to dying AIDS patients. Those who are bombing abortion clinics and killing abortionists from those who are providing free maternity and baby clothes to pregnant teenagers. Those who are calling their opponents inflammatory names from those who are voicing their moral convictions with love and grace.

Maybe "Those Who are Sincerely Yet Imperfectly Trying to Live Out Christ's Command to Love God and Their Neighbor as Themselves" is a bit wordy.

Better yet, would be heeding the words Alexander the Great. A young soldier, who had been caught sleeping on duty, was brought before the great general. When Alexander the Great discovered the offender was also named Alexander, he became furious. "Soldier," he shouted. "Either change your conduct or change your name."

Good advice for today as well.

And make sure rest room doors are securely locked!

(c) 1998 James N. Watkins

Comments

I want to thank you personally from the bottom of my heart for your column on "Christians." I agree whole-heartedly with what you have to say. I, too, despise the hateful tactics that some many Christian leaders have taken. It is ineffective, unbiblical, and gives all Christians a bad name. I only wish they would stop, especially Jerry Falwell; he just gets to me, I pray for him every night beverhar@inscorp.com (January 28, 1998).

I especially liked your words regarding attitudes toward homosexuals and abortionists. I have several friends who aren't believers. They associate all "Christians" with gay bashers and killers of abortionists. "Well, you're different," they say to me. That response saddens me even more. Too many church members have given witness of bigotry and have manifested so little grace and compassion. Cec_Haraka@msn.com (November 4, 1998).

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May 1998
cyber churches

"Jumbo shrimp," "bittersweet," and "legally drunk" are examples of oxymorons--combinations of words that seem to be opposites of each other. "Government intelligence" is another example.

But two oxymorons seem to me just plain moronic--"virtual reality" and "cyber church."

Wait! Before you write a letter or cancel your subscription, let me say I enjoy the virtual reality rides at Disney World and Universal Studios. On "Back to the Future" you can feel every high speed turn and power dive as you "fly" in Doc Brown's DeLorean. You feel like you're really there--and for someone who's bones are completely calcified--continue to feel for some time like you've actually been bounced around in an airborne auto. But it's not real.

Now there are a growing number of cyber churches. A recent survey of U.S. teens and adults suggests that many young people will eventually use the Internet for their only religious experience. The Barna Research Group surveyed 620 teens and 1,006 adults and concluded, "By 2010 we will probably have 10% to 20% of the population relying on primarily or exclusively upon the Internet for its religious input. Those people will never set foot on a church campus because their religious and spiritual needs will be met through other means--including the Internet."

So, if net heads are leaving spouses due to chat room affairs and stealing millions with Internet fraud, can their sins be forgiven at the St. Microsoft site? "Father Bill, I have sinned." "Say 100 'hail Windows '98' and thy sins will be forgiven, my child."

Here's why I think there are some bats in the cyber church belfry.

First, there's no on-line ordination committee to make sure the computerized pastor is not some hell-bent heretic. (David Koresh, the misguided minister of the Waco cult, is still on the 'net with his wacky theology!) Anyone with a modem and an imagination can be an authority--or a god--in cyber space!

Secondly, there are some wonderful web sites devoted to serious Bible study and getting to know God better. (Check out www.goshen.net) But, is Bill Gates going to hold your hand at the funeral home or hospital room? Does America On Line serve communion? Does Netscape let you borrow folding chairs for your graduation open house? Not really.

Third, real churches don't hide behind glitzy graphics and ghost-written copy--all perfectly packaged by some over-paid computer genius. Real churches feature imperfect pastors and parishioners. And sometimes the music is dated, the doughnuts are stale and the sermon is boring. But it's real.

Real is messy. Real is sometimes boring. Real doesn't have all the answers.

But real is a Sunday school teacher who still loves you after you throw up in the sand box. Real is a pastor who gets out of bed at 3 a.m. to meet you at the emergency room. Real is tears of joy when a member celebrates another year of sobriety. Real is a God we can call "Father."

So, are cyber churches the wave of the future?

Get real!

(c) 1998 James N. Watkins

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April 1998
bulletin bloopers

Pastors may receive their Sunday sermons straight from heaven, but church bulletins often billow up from publishing purgatory. Here are some actual announcements with slightly sinful syntax:

"This afternoon there will be a meeting in the South and North ends of the church. Children will be baptized at both ends."

"Weight Watchers will meet at 7 p.m. at the First Presbyterian Church. Please use large double door at the side entrance."

"Today . . . Christian Youth Fellowship Sexuality Course, 8 p.m. Please park in the rear parking lot for this activity."

"Ushers will eat latecomers."

"A bean supper will be held Tuesday evening in the church hall. Music will follow."

"Thursday night--Potluck supper. Prayer and medication to follow."

"Thursday at 5 p.m. there will be a meeting of the Little Mother's Club. All ladies wishing to become 'Little Mothers' will meet with the Pastor in his study."

"The rosebud on the altar this morning is to announce the birth of David Alan Belzer, the sin of Rev. and Mrs. Julius Belzer."

"Please join us as we show support for Amy and Alan in preparing for the girth of their first child."

"For those who have children and don't know it, we have a nursery downstairs."

"The eighth-graders will be presenting Shakespeare's 'Hamlet' in the church basement on Friday at 7 p.m. The congregation is invited to attend this tragedy."

"The ladies of the church have cast off clothing of all kinds and can be seen in the church basement Saturday."

"Scouts are saving aluminum cans, bottles and other items to be recycled. Proceeds will be used to cripple children."

"Eight new choir robes are currently needed, due to the addition of several new members and the deterioration of some older ones."

"The third verse of 'Blessed Assurance' will be sung without musical accomplishment."

"At the evening service tonight, the sermon topic will be 'What is Hell?' Come early and listen to our choir practice."

"Next Sunday Mrs. Vinson will be soloist for the morning service. The pastor will then speak on 'It's a Terrible Experience.'"

"The Rev. Merriwether spoke briefly, much to the delight of the audience."

During a campaign to raise money for remodeling: "Anyone who would like to do something on the new carpeting may pick up a piece of paper at the door."

"Remember in prayer the many who are sick of our church and community."

"The outreach committee has enlisted 25 visitors to make calls on people who are not afflicted with any church."

"Don't let worry kill you off--let the church help."

And finally, this Easter message on a church's outdoor sign: "He is risen. He is not here."

The church of Jesus Christ has somehow managed to survive two thousand years of bulletin bloopers, but it can't survive without His presence. He is here. That's the clear message of Easter.

So, have a wonderful holiday!

"And forgive us our misspellings as we forgive those who misspell against us."

(c) 1998 James N. Watkins

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March 1998
Talking to Heaven

What a fatal career move! I've been trying to make a living writing for people who are, well, living. The big money is in talking to the dead!

James Van Praagh, the multi-million-dollar medium, has b