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Editor's note: The State Department and three foreign governments have concluded that this humor columnist does not pose a threat to international security or the world economy. So, for the next three weeks, Jim will be filing his columns from overseas.
(Pic: My lectures in Maputo, Mozambique, were held in a tent. Click here for larger view.) |
AMSTERDAM, The Netherlands—My wife, 18-year-old son, and I are on our way to southern Africa. But, first, KLM Airlines has decided that we need an eight-hour layover in Amsterdam to help support the local economy. Lois is getting a head and neck massage and Paul is munching on a "Big Mac."
Meanwhile, I'm learning a second language by reading the bilingual signs throughout the airport which is called in Dutch airport. Welcome is welkom, coffee is koffie, toilet is toiletten, and of course McDonald's and Coke are the same worldwide. So far, so good.
However, there are some phrases that are unique to the people of Holland. Doof uw sigaret means "Extinguish your cigarette." Babyverzorging is the "Baby care room" while Kinderspeelhoek is the "Children's play center."
Paul and I thought the green signs with a man running--obviously with great urgency toward a door--was a great international symbol for the toiletten. We later discovered it actually is the symbol for Uitgang or "Exit."
And, there are some other things I don't understand about the Dutch.
I'm on my way to teach seminars on "Human Sexuality" in southern Africa which has one of the highest rates of HIV infection. Of the 36 million adults and children worldwide living with AIDS/HIV, seven out of ten live in sub-Saharan Africa. There are less than one million AIDS/HIV cases in the United States, but 25.3 million in the southern half of Africa. One in five South African is HIV positive.
And yet, here in the Netherlands, prostitutes are displayed in windows of legalized "red light" districts like sides of beef. The airport is planning for an on-site brothel for, and I quote, "stressed passengers." It currently has a casino, as if it's not enough of a gamble betting your luggage arrives on the same flight as you do! But, if prostitution or gambling isn't your vice of choice, you can order cappuccino with a side of cannabis at the local koffie shops.
I've decided that taking a nap during this layover may not be a good idea. The Netherlands recently legalized physician-assisted suicide of any citizen over 16 years of age. (That seems especially frightening since adolescence often produces "persistent vegetative states" and anguished cries of "I could just die!")
So, I'm sitting in a thoroughly modern country with legalized prostitution, pornography, recreational drugs, and physician-assisted suicide. Ironically, I'm on my way to teach moral responsibility about sexuality to developing countries in which sex is simply not talked about and AIDS prevention not effectively addressed. (For instance, many Africans believe that having sex with a virgin--of any age--will cure AIDS.)
Which brings up several questions:
Reporting from The Netherlands, I'm Jim Watkins.
Copyright © 2001 James N. Watkins. All rights reserved.
From Manzini, Swaziland, today's 'Top Ten List'
MANZINI, Swaziland—I have in my right hand, direct from our "rondvald" (round house), today's top ten list: The Ten Things North Americans Most Take For Granted.
10. The Northern Hemisphere
Everything in the southern hemisphere seems to be a reflection of the north. While it's winter in the north, it's summer in the south. On this side of the equator, water spirals down the drain counter-clockwise. In southern Africa, motorists drive on the opposite side of the road. Even the light switches-which are often on the outside of the room--are reversed: "ON" is down and "OFF" is up.
9. Clocks
It's not unusual for rural church services to include an hour of harmonious a'cappella singing and joyful dancing and then an hour of preaching. Plus, nothing, ever starts on "time."
8. Deodorant
When the choice is between feeding your children and "feeling dry and odor free" there really isn't a choice.
7. Political stability
For over a month, the U.S. presidential election results hinged on hanging chads. Yet, not one person was killed, not one Federal building fire-bombed, and not one whining Hollywood celebrity made good on his threat to move out of the country if his candidate lost.
However, Mozambique's roadways are littered with burned-out cars and bombed-out homes after 17 years of civil war. Americans often forget how amazingly smooth power is transferred to the next elected leader-even if he doesn't win a majority of the votes.
6. Personal safety
Urban homes and businesses in the sub-Saharan region of Africa are often surrounded by walls topped with razor wire and broken glass, steel gates, barred windows, Rottweilers, and 24-hour guards. As soon as our hosts parked their vehicles on the street, young boys rushed up and offered to "watch" the car. They were expected to pay these pint-sized extortionists a few coins or return to find their cars stripped and sitting on blocks.
5. The U.S. dollar
In Mozambique the inflation rate is so staggering that 18,000 meticais equal one American dollar! I have $100 in traveler's checks, which means I'm worth nearly two million!
4. Understanding the language
While walking back from the Indian Ocean one morning, we were confronted by two men with a machete. We weren't sure if they were offering to prune our host's palm trees or cut off our coconuts!
3. The willingness to talk about sex
While my interpreter was attempting to translate the English word "sexuality" (meaning all that encompasses being one or the other gender) we discovered they have no word for it in Shungaan. The closest they had for it was "sharing a blanket."
The people in southern Africa have been so appreciative that someone-even a humor columnist from America-is willing to address this important subject.
2. Drinking water
After two weeks of brushing our teeth with bottled water, drinking well water right out of the tap at home will be almost as joyful as the taste of Pepsi (Coke, unfortunately, rules the world!)
1. Equality of women
Okay, women in the U.S. of A. still don't make as much money as men in the same occupations and they're still banging their pretty heads against the "glass ceiling" of many corporations.
But at least an American woman's value isn't measured in the number cows the extended families are willing to pay for a bride. She doesn't have to move in with the mother-in-law and serve as a virtual slave until she "proves her value to the family" by producing a litter of children. And, since this is family newspaper, I won't go into the painful sexual practices many southern African wives endure.
So, if anyone doesn't appreciate life in the U.S. of A., I'd suggest a couple weeks in Swaziland or Mozambique. And be sure to drink the water!
Reporting from Swaziland, I'm Jim Watkins.
Copyright © 2001 James N. Watkins. All rights reserved.
Martha Stewart has nothing on Mozambique
MAPUTO, Mozambique—If I were a restaurant reviewer, I would give Mahalala Wesleyan four forks for delicious cuisine and impeccable service.
The quaint eatery featured roasted chicken and chips (french fires) served on china plates and beautiful white linen table cloth. Choice of drinks included coffee, Coke, and carbonated fruit juice called "Grenadilla." The servers circled the table of "honored guests from America" with a pitcher of warm water and basin to wash our hands before and after the meal.
Never before have we been treated with such generous hospitality.
Oh, I should mention, that Mahalala Wesleyan Church is hidden in a maze of narrow dirt alleys walled by "houses" made of reeds and salvaged metal. Judging by the smell, the numerous puddles we had to step over were not caused by rain! Unbelievably, this neighborhood is considered "middle class" by Mozambique standards.
The church "building" is a bit smaller than a three-car garage with corrugated metal for the sides and roof with concrete floor. Despite the poor conditions, the church was decorated with pastel paper chains and the missionaries had provided welcomed electric fans for the guests. (We were accustomed to 35-degree Fahrenheit weather back home, but were now in 35-degree Celsius, which would be 95 degrees in Indiana!)
The kitchen was nothing more than a tin shack with a charcoal fire. And yet, I haven't eaten anything out of the Colonel's bucket that tasted as good as what these resourceful women prepared over an open fire.
I continue to be amazed-and humbled-by the generosity of impoverished people. (The Sunday morning offering for 80 parishioners was only four American dollars.)
Pollster George Gallup found that "the poor give a larger percentage of their income to charity than the rich. Being surrounded by misery, they see opportunities to help on every side. Though they are burdened by economic problems, they are not overcome by them."
And, so, when a thunderstorm turned the dirt alleys into muddy canals, the National Superintendent created a bridge out of cement blocks and old tires so the Americans didn't have to wade through the alleys. Not even Martha Stewart would do that for guests!
My wife, son, and I have learned so much on this trip.
For instance, it seems the less developed the country, the more complicated the paperwork to enter and exit. To visit Mozambique, we needed visas, had to purchase temporary car insurance, pay a fee for each passport, and had to open up Lois' and my suitcases, and were stopped repeatedly by police at roadside checkpoints to see if we were smuggling chickens.
In South Africa's Kruger National Park, lions, elephants, rhinos, and thousands of other exotic animals roam free while the humans are locked in electric-fenced camps between 5:30 pm to 5:30 am.
Hippos kill more humans that lions. Green monkeys, who some blame for starting the HIV virus, are actually gray. Black and white rhinos are both dark brown. (You can only distinguish between the two by the shape of their snout. And their horn isn't really a "horn" but actually made of hair. Talk about a nose hair problem!)
Telephone poles and traffic signs aren't made of wood or steel but of concrete because of destructive salt spray from the Indian Ocean and termites. Lizards are welcomed in homes as they have a healthy appetite for mosquitoes and spiders.
People in southern Africa shake right hands while at the same time grasping their right forearms with their left hands as a sign of respect.
Obrigaddo is "thank you" in Portuguese, the official language of Mozambique.
While our new friends sat attentively on grass mats under a tent as I rambled on about "Human Sexuality," we learned much more from them than they learned for us: valuable lessons about respect, hospitality, graciousness, and rich generosity.
Obriggago, my brothers and sisters.
Reporting from Mozambique, I'm Jim Watkins.
Copyright © 2001 James N. Watkins. All rights reserved.
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