I have to admit that LaOtto, population 300, is not exactly the cultural capital of the Midwest. But there are some advantages to living in a town where the tallest building is the grain elevator.
The only traffic jams occur when you get behind a farmer with a wagon-load of soybeans. The nearest drive-through restaurant is six miles away, but the nearest drive-by shootings are at least 12 miles and 26 homicides away.
I have to drive six miles for a gallon of milk, but I can go to church, buy a customized T-shirt, get a loan, have my spine adjusted, buy stamps, get a haircut, order a burger and Coke, get a house designed and built, have a die for my widget tooled, get my water treated, have my car tuned up and get my oven fire put out all on the five blocks of Main St. (Of course I'm using an oven fire only as a hypothetical example. Not that a neighbor has ever called 911 when I was cooking!)
We do have culture and entertainment. LaOtto School, which has been recognized as one of the top ten schools in the state, provides a yearly carnival and spring music program. The Little League teams are playing as well, if not better, than the Cubs and the White Socks. Young "L.A." actors, artists and musicians have won numerous local, state and national awards.
And, one more advantage. If I have a choice between carbon monoxide and cow manure, I'll take breathing in the organic odors.
Okay, okay, there are some serious disadvantages. The only racial diversity in town is the postmaster—who commutes from Fort Wayne. There are no Dairy Queens, libraries or hardware stores. And forget about geological creativity. Northern Indiana is where God spent his day of rest. (He did, however, create some wonderful people to populate this mountainless, oceanless landscape.)
So, for me, the advantages of living in a small town—even without a D.Q.—far outweigh any disadvantages. Besides, we're just 15 minutes away from the largest mall in the state.
How much further is it?!
(c) 1998 James N. Watkins.
March 1999
URGENT! YOU—PERSON READING "JIM
SHORTS"—COULD BE OUR MILLION-DOLLAR WINNER!
sweepstakes
Is the American public becoming more gullible? Take for instance the thousands of people calling "Psychic Friends" to find out things about themselves they already know. For example: "You are in financial trouble." Of course the caller is. The call is costing them $4.95 a minute! Besides, never trust a "psychic" with an "infommercial"! If they're worth their tarot cards, they should discern your phone number and call you.
Apparently Americans are most gullible when it comes to get-rich-without-any-heavy-lifting schemes. Exhibit A: the American Family Publishers, Publisher's Clearing House, and Reader Digest sweepstakes. Just today, I received four announcements that I've won enough cash to retire the national debt.
Now, I'm assuming to read the magazines they're promoting, one needs to have an IQ slightly higher than wood pulp. (Okay, Playboy requires no higher-level thinking.) But here's how those marketers on Madison Avenue insult our intelligence.
First, they send advertising in an over-sized envelope disguised as United States Postal Service special delivery mail. On just one side of one mailing was emblazoned "Express Class," URGENT (repeated five times), "RUSH PRIORITY," and "CONFIDENTIAL DOCUMENTS ENCLOSED."
Secondly, they announce "MR. WATKINS, IT'S DOWN TO A TWO- PERSON RACE FOR $11,0000—YOU AND ONE OTHER PERSON IN INDIANA WERE ISSUED THE WINNING NUMBER."
Third, PRINT EVERYTHING IN CAPITAL LETTERS!
Now I'm no rocket scientist, but a few questions come to mind.
What mail, that's supposedly "Express Class," "URGENT," and "RUSH PRIORITY," is sent bulk rate? Ever wonder about all those bags of mail with cobwebs in the back corner of your post office? That's "bulk mail" waiting to be picked up by the Pony Express rider.
And how come the envelope says "MR. WATKINS, IT'S DOWN TO A TWO- PERSON RACE FOR $11,000,000—YOU AND ONE OTHER PERSON IN INDIANA"? I live in a town small enough that it could get by with a two-digit zip code, but there were fifteen identical envelopes in my local post office's waste basket! Hmmm? (For bulk mail to qualify for the bargain postal rates, each of the three million pieces must be identical. So much for "PERSONAL MESSAGE FOR MR. WATKINS.")
And how 'bout that notice that warns: "POSTMASTER: Deliver only to Addressee address. If not deliverable, follow Section 159 of the USPS Code for proper disposition of enclosed materials"? I asked our Postmaster. She just laughed and threw it into her over-flowing waste basket as per Section 159.
Now if you want to subscribe to Organic Computing or Martha Stewart's Home Dentistry, that's fine. But if these companies would stop these intelligence-insulting sweepstakes, we all could probably receive our magazines at about half the price and reduce the size of our nation's landfills by one half at the same time.
That's why I'm following Section 159 of the USPS Code for proper disposition of these materials.
(c) 1998 James N. Watkins
Return
to top of page
If you found this page helpful, please tell a friend about it using the form below.
(If you found it really helpful, consider a small donation using the PayPal button below.)
And
bookmark or save as favorites www.jameswatkins.com and come back regularly
for constantantly changing content. Thanks!
© James Watkins All text and graphics on my sites, unless otherwise noted, are copyrighted © in my name,
James N. Watkins, and are protected by United States copyright law and international copyright law under the Berne
Convention. Please visit the press room for information on reprinting any text or
graphics. Thanks!
We support . . .
This site is hosted by . . .
