To the sensitive young woman who has had the benefits of proper upbringing, the wedding day is, ironically, both the happiest and the most terrifying day of her life.

On the positive side, there is the wedding itself, in which the bride is the central attraction in a beautiful and inspiring ceremony, symbolizing her triumph in securing a male to provide for all her needs for the rest of her life. On the negative side, there is the wedding night, during which the bride must pay the piper, so to speak, by facing for the first time the terrible experience of sex.

At this point, dear reader, let me concede one shocking truth. Some women actually anticipate the wedding night ordeal with curiosity and pleasure! Beware such an attitude! A selfish and sensual husband can easily take advantage of such a bride. One cardinal rule of marriage should never be forgotten: Give little, give seldom, and above all, give grudgingly. Otherwise what could have been a proper marriage could become an orgy of sexual lust.

On the other hand, the bride's terror need not be extreme. While sex is at best revolting and at worse rather painful, it has to be endured, and has been by women since the beginning of time, and is compensated for by the monogamous home and by children produced through it.

One century later, sex is just as traumatic. The pendulum has swung to the other extreme from "enduring" to excelling. Sex has become an Olympic event!

"Ukraine Lois Elaine, known for her gymnastic skills, is going for a triple orgasm which is a '10' for 'degree of difficulty.' Both Lois and her partner, James, have scored well for 'artistic impression' and 'technical merit' in the last round, but James was penalized two-tenths of a point for a 'balance check.' Here comes the dismount. Wow, he really stuck that landing! This could put this couple in the medal round!"

We're coached by such books as How to Satisfy a Woman Every Time; Hot, Sexy, and Safe; Sex Begins in the Kitchen; Super Marital Sex, and The Multiple-orgasm Male. (I'm not making these up! Really!)

And your local adult bookstore and Texaco rest room provide the latest in performance enhancing items. (Those with Y-chromosomes, may wish to move directly to Secret 3 ( The Guy's Guide to Cars . . . and Sex) but do come back and read the rest of the owners manual.)

Dr. Theodore Rubin in One to One claims, "This stress on mechanics is destructive. It leads to superficialities and to pride investment in performance rather than healthy interest in richer relating. Sexual athletics simply cannot provide long-lasting or deeper satisfactions, and to expect them to is asking for disappointment--disappointment that is destructive to all areas of the relationship."2

It's also important to point out that The Kinsey Report on sexuality was written by a zoologist who interviewed prostitutes and imprisoned pediphiles! (Hopefully, not an accurate demographic sampling.) The famous sex-pert Masters (of Masters and Johnson) was a gynecologist. They approached the subject in lab coats, rather than observing the emotional and spiritual dynamics of a loving relationship. So, whatever good the Kinsey Report and Masters and Johnson have provided in the techniques of sexual intimacy, has overshadowed the artistic merit of nurturing loving relationships.

Secret 1: Communication

At one marriage clinic, 650 couples were asked what was the greatest problems in their marriage. The virtually unanimous answer was "sex and communication." They are closely related!

You'll also need to read the related site on communication for this chapter to make complete sense. (If you're a guy, you've already skipped ahead to see what Secret 2 and 3 are, haven't you?!)

Secret 2: Context and Commitment

I love Lois's beautiful dark brown hair. But the first time I found one of those beautiful dark brown hairs in my dinner, suddenly it was anything but "beautiful." It was the same beautiful dark brown hair, but it was in the wrong place. Hair is designed for scalps and not for scalloped potatoes. And when it's out of place, much of the beauty is lost.

The same is true for sex. It is a beautiful, extremely pleasurable act expressing love and commitment. And so, for twenty years I have been speaking about the wonderful gift of sexuality in schools, camps, colleges, churches, and conferences.

But when practiced out of context, the beauty of sex--and even some of the pleasure--is lost. That's why ancient scriptures and modern university studies reveal that context is what makes sex either delightful or dangerous. And a committed relationship is certainly not boring. Let's listen in on this committed couple.

Woman:

Let him kiss me with the kisses of his mouth--
for your love is more delightful than wine.
Pleasing is the fragrance of your perfumes;
your name is like perfume poured out.
No wonder the maidens love you!
Take me away with you--let us hurry!

My lover is to me a sachet of myrrh resting between my breasts.

How handsome you are, my lover!
Oh, how charming!
And our bed is verdant.

I slept but my heart was awake.
Listen! My lover is knocking:
"Open to me . . . my darling, my dove,
my flawless one."
My lover thrust his hand through the latch-opening;
my heart began to pound for him.
I arose to open for my lover,
and my hands dripped with myrrh,
my fingers with flowing myrrh,
on the handles of the lock.
I opened for my lover . . .

Man:

How beautiful your sandaled feet,
O prince's daughter!
Your graceful legs are like jewels,
the work of a craftsman's hands.
Your navel 3 is a rounded goblet
that never lacks blended wine.
Your waist is a mound of wheat
encircled by lilies.
Your breasts are like two fawns,
twins of a gazelle.
Your neck is like an ivory tower.
Your eyes are the pools of Heshbon
by the gate of Bath Rabbim.

Your head crowns you like Mount Carmel.
Your hair is like royal tapestry;
the king is held captive by its tresses.
How beautiful you are and how pleasing,
O love, with your delights!
Your stature is like that of the palm,
and your breasts like clusters of fruit.
I said, "I will climb the palm tree;
I will take hold of its fruit."
May your breasts be like the clusters of the vine,
the fragrance of your breath like apples,
and your mouth like the best wine.

Woman:

May the wine go straight to my lover,
flowing gently over lips and teeth.
I belong to my lover, and his desire is for me.

Place me like a seal over your heart,
like a seal on your arm;
for love is as strong as death,
its jealousy unyielding as the grave.
It burns like blazing fire,
like a mighty flame.
Many waters cannot quench love;
rivers cannot wash it away.4

Wow! Straight out of the Bible! With this as their bedtime reading, no wonder those with strong faith also have strong feelings! In fact, university studies have shown that total sexual intimacy (intercourse) before a total commitment (marriage) creates several problems.

1. It weakens trust between partners. A partner may wonder, If he can't wait for sex until marriage, how can I be sure he will be faithful to me after we're married? In fact, studies show that those who have more than one sexual partner before marriage are more likely to have extramarital affairs.

Perhaps this distrust leads to further conflicts. For ten years, Dr. Nancy Moore Clatworthy, a sociologist from Ohio State, has been researching couples who have lived together.5

Dr. Clatworthy's survey asked questions about "finances, household matters, recreation, demonstration of affection, and friends." In every area, the couples who had lived together before marriage disagreed more often than couples who had not.

2. It lessens the importance of sex as a symbol of commitment. If you know that several other women have worn your fiance's engagement ring, it won't be as special as if you and that special guy went shopping for it and picked it out just for you. The same is true--only on a much intense level--with sexual intercourse. If you or your partner have had sex with just one other partner, then intercourse can't be as a unique expression of your love. (You can have "protected" sex, but there's no condom for your heart and soul!)

Dr. Clatworthy also observes, "The finding that surprised me most concerned sex. Couples who has lived together before marriage disagreed about it most often."6

Dr. E. Mansell Pattison, chairman of the Department of Psychology at the Medical College of Georgia, believes the lack of commitment is the reason sexual relationships are the most common break up factor. In marriage, couple have time to work through sexual problems (and sex is never problem free!). But, in a live-in situation, the partners can simply go looking for other willing partners.

Sex and commitment can't be separated. The research shows that total intimacy without total commitment leads to concerns of breaking up, often "extreme unhappiness," and more disagreement--especially about sex. As a result, Dr. Paul Pearsall claims "Super sex requires super love, a love that is possible only in a relationship that lasts . . ."7

3. It lessens the degree of intimacy. According to Leo ("Gimme me a hug!") Buscaglia, living together is "pseudo-intimacy, a caricature of an intimate relationship."8 And, again, researchers agree. While there may be good intercourse, there is little intimacy. It's impossible because both partners know very well that they're on trial. At any moment--for any disagreement--the other can walk out with little legal recourse. So, one is always conscious to be on their best behavior. Sort of like an extended date. (And the possibility for emotional and physical abuse is much higher since live-in's will tolerate traits in each other that they wouldn't accept for one minute if they were married with a lifetime ahead of them.)

Live-in's may experience sexual intimacy, but only in a life-long, committed relationship can couples enjoy personal intimacy.

4. It lessens the degree of happiness in the relationship. A question on Dr. Clatworthy's survey asked about the couple's "usual level of happiness." One possible answer was "extremely unhappy." The only couples checking that answer were the one who had lived together. Want to guess how may of those who didn't live together before marriage checked that box? None, again!

Doctors Kenneth Stewart and David Olson's survey of over 17,000 couples verifies Clatworthy's findings. "Almost two-thirds (64%) of cohabiting couples fell into the low satisfaction group, whereas [the same percentage] where both partners lived alone [before marriage] fell into the very satisfied group." The researchers also found that "couples that live alone before marriage seem to have the best premarital relationship, which we have found is also predictive of later marital success."9

5. It lessens the commitment itself. According to the Ohio State University study, couples who lived together and then got married often fantasize about breaking up. Guess how many of those who didn't live together before marriage checked that answer. None! And two out of three live-in relationships did not end in marriage--they just ended.

Sociologists Jeffery Jacques and Karen Chason of Florida A & M did not find one couple who felt living together prepared them for a lasting relationship. The researchers found the average live-in commitment lasts nine and one-half months. (At least most marriages that end in divorce last over six years.)

Dr. Clatworthy concludes, "For people who are in love, anything less than full commitment is a cop-out. Many girls have found, to their sorrow, that they lost the best partner they might have had by living with him."10

And so, sex and dark brown hair are beautiful in the context of marriage and scalps. But something quite different under uncommitted circumstances.

Secret 3: Concentration

X-ceptional sex requires real concentration. So, to keep us guys' attention, I've put this third--and important--secret in terms we can understand. Click link for the third secret: The Guys Guide to Cars . . . and Sex

Related sites

Communication (No hablo Estrogen!)

The Hidden Habit (Masturbation)

'Jim Shorts' on S-E-X

Sects and violence



comments

I am enjoying your site, and fell it might be a safe place to ask a question: My husband is a wonderful Christian man, and for the most part we have a good sexual relationship, if he did not express his love for me in such vulgar terms. Words are very important to me and I find this a total turn off, when he uses unacceptable language. I have told him nicely that I do not enjoy that kind of talk, I don't think he really believes me; because they don't bother him, they really shouldn't bother me. I am trying to understand him, and how he could see those terms as a turn on, but wish he would respect my feelings on the subject. We have been married for 32 years; I know that God can do anything ... and should probably make this more a matter of prayer. This is not a subject I can talk to with anyone. I would appreciate your insight, or direction to any articles that broaches this particular subject. Blessings, [name withheld]

I'm glad you've been able to talk to him about the problem, but he doesn't seem to get it, does he? I would try talking again, but this time stress that, for a woman, sex is about intimacy and one-ness. Anything that distracts from that is going to cause you to enjoy sex less and not be as responsive to him. Try to convince him that sex will be even better for him, if you are not distracted and offended by his language. Appeal to his selfishness. Ha. You and your husband are in my prayers.

Dr. Kevin Lehman's book Sheet Music includes these interesting studies:

If you are having sex before marriage, you are ultimately threatening your own happiness and marital satisfaction. The research couldn’t be clearer:

1. A national study of over 1,800 married couples indicated that the probability of getting a divorce was twice as high for couples who had cohabited prior to marriage compared to those couples who had not. In addition, cohabitation prior to marriage related to lower levels of subsequent marital interaction and higher levels of marital disagreement and instability.

2. A study of 3,884 Canadian women indicated that women who had cohabited before marriage were 50 percent more likely to get a divorce than women who had not cohabited before marriage. Of the cohabiting women, 35 percent could be expected to divorce within fifteen years of marriage compared to only 19 percent among those who had not cohabited prior to marriage.

3. A study of 4,300 Swedish women ages twenty to fortyfour indicated that those who had cohabited before marriage had divorce rates that were 80 percent higher than women who had not cohabited before marriage.

4. A study using a nationally representative sample of 1,235 women ages twenty to thirty-seven indicated that married women who had cohabited prior to marriage were 3.3 times more likely to have sex with someone other than their husband than married women who had not cohabited prior to marriage. Single women who cohabited were 1.7 times more likely to have a secondary sex partner than single women who did not live with their partners.

So then, if you are living with someone outside of marriage, I suggest you move out and start over. The two of you may still make it work, but if you can’t make it work outside of marriage without being sexually active, odds are that the marriage will soon fall apart anyway.

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